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And the winner of the Bad Sex in Fiction award 2015 is...

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We're shaking, shuddering, gasping and clenching everything - in total mortification. It's time for the winner of the Bad Sex in Fiction award to be announced.

And this year's winner is none other than Morrissey.

The dubious honour has been awarded The Smiths' former frontman for this clanger, from his first novel, List of the Lost:

At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.

Yep, that otherwise central zone can be a nightmare.

Morrissey's novel follows four Boston relay runners who are cursed by an old man in the woods. It was released in September by Penguin. 

The Literary Review has been dishing out its gong for the most cringe-making depictions of sex in literature for 23 years “to draw attention to poorly written, perfunctory or redundant passages of sexual description in modern fiction, and to discourage them”. 

And yet, every year a fresh batch of painfully awkward sex scenes slips through.

One of this year's entries includes a character called Annette with “pendulous breasts” who, “wet as a waterslide” gets a “hot load” blown into her mouth (thanks for that, George Pelecanos).

If you can bear it, extracts from the shortlist of nominees are below - vote for your best/worst below:
 

List of the Lost

List of the Lost by Morrissey  

At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.

Against Nature by Tomas Espedal 

Héloïse has lost all sense of how she ought to behave, she practically throws herself at Abélard, pulls him to the floor and straddles him as if they’re two boys fighting ... She rides above him the way she’d imagined that one day she’d ride a boy, a man, a beast; she grasps his long hair with both her hands and rides him as if he were a horse, and she’s howling and shouting when suddenly she’s thrown into the air; she comes down and falls, rolls over and is hurled into a wall that crushes her youth.   

The Martini Shot by George Pelecanos 

She stroked my pole and took off my briefs, and I got between her and spread her muscular thighs with my knees and rubbed myself against her until she was wet as a waterslide, and then I split her. ... Her pussy was clean, with a five-o’clock shadow and just a hint of smell ... She tickled my anus as she licked my balls and shaft, and slathered her tongue on my helmet. I laced my fingers through her hair and closed my eyes. ‘Go,’ I said.  I stopped breathing and, like her, invoked a high power.

The Making of Zombie Wars by Aleksandar Hemon 

Far in the back of whatever was left of his mind, the light of reason was struggling against being finally extinguished and he was aware that wearing a condom would’ve been a good idea, but there was no way that he was getting out of her, because she took him in and he was with her in every move, in every gasp, kiss, and lick – she let him in so deep he didn’t have to think about her, and therefore he didn’t have to think about himself, but of course he was thinking about not thinking about himself and he was about to start thinking about himself when she bit his cheek, as if eager to spread the pain, and it hurt and he loved it and he could feel the skin was broken and he started coming and so did she.

Before, During, After by Richard Bausch 

When she took him, still a little flaccid, into her mouth, he moaned, ‘Oh, lover.’ She felt him harden, and she tightened her lips and pulled, and then ran her tongue slow along the shaft, and then straightened and straddled him, guiding him into her, sinking and rising on him, head back, hands gripping his shoulders. It went on. It was very good.

Book of Number by Joshua Cohen   

Her mouth was intensely ovoid, an almond mouth, of citrus crescents. And under that sling, her breasts were like young fawns, sheep frolicking in hyssop – Psalms were about to pour out of me. 

Fear of Dying by Erica Jong 

I am swept away with waves of anticipation that blank out my mind and let me focus only on pleasure, releasing the painful past, releasing the desire to return there and be young and beautiful again. Fuck young and beautiful – this is worth everything – and I come with fierce contractions that seem to go on and on endlessly.

Fates and Furies by Lauren Groff 

Glorious, he was made to do this. There was cracking all around and a blistering sunlike heat, and Gwennie was shuddering beneath him, and one-two-three, he burst within her.

Panties? Throbbing? What's your least favourite word in fictional sex scenes? Tell us on Facebook

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