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20 things your wardrobe should do before it dies


They’re not always big or glamorous, but wardrobes play a central role in our lives – enduring our endless sartorial crises and providing shelter to our many, many shoes. What 20 things should any self-respecting wardrobe do before it dies (read: get carted off to the tip)?

1. Develop a crush on the foxy Hemnes linen cabinet whilst browsing the Ikea catalogue. Clear glass doors. Total babe

2. Witness owner shouting: “These clothes are all stupid! I hate everything and that dress makes me look like a ham!”

3. Be emptied as owner pulls all clothing on to bed and mutters “There’s got to be something, there’s got to be something. Will that stain show in dim light?”

4. Witness owner weeping and shouting: “I am supposed to be an adult! Why are my clothes ALL WRONG?”

5. Taken in the view whilst relaxing in a removal van. Thought that this rare travel opportunity was *slightly* marred by the wok tucked inside it

6. Bravely fight against a marauding and destructive invasion of moths. Fight the winged menace! Never surrender!

7. Wonder at lack of lions and witches in life

8. Ponder how best to hide owner’s secret lover if owner were ever to take up with a secret lover

9. Nurture an irrational hatred of the 3-piece Argos luggage set that languishes unused for 89% of the year

10. Cheer inwardly at owner yelping with delight on discovering that long-lost safari dress from a New Year's Eve party circa 1995

11. Cultivate an impressive archive of nail varnish/red wine/shoe dent scars over years of hosting owner's semi-drunken makeover sessions

12. Engage in a lifelong war with the bed over floor space, including several tensely-fought coups where doors have clipped the side of said bed

13. Smile smugly at the rise and inevitable fall of some cheap wannabe flat-pack wardrobe: the fake ones never last

14. Stand by patiently as owner vowed to clear it out - only to decide that s/he can't possibly part with that tote, sarong, pile of jeans or never-worn print pyjamas suit

15. Referee a series of fraught battles over territory between co-owners' clothes: would the Hawaiian shirts win this time? Or is it a triumph for the cocktail dresses once again?

16. Buckle under the weight of a giant carrier bag labelled "eBay", which somehow never goes away

17. Provide shelter to a growing and miscellaneous collection of socks, tights and pants which have firmly adhere themselves to some unseen nook and cranny - never to see the light of day again

18. Play host to a vast array of coat hangers - wire ones, wooden ones, coated ones - while secretly resenting their presence

19. Collude with owner to hide various embarrassing items (stuffed toys, stray underwear) every time visitors come by

20. Endure the occasional harsh kick from owner, while straining to contain over-flowing bags of bras, tees, jeans, woolly jumpers and more. What a champ

Picture credit: Rex Features



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