If you believe everything you read online, you’ll already know that we strange creatures are impossibly sensitive, self-entitled, utterly narcissistic snowflakes. We fritter away every last penny of our woeful wages on avocado toast, flat whites and hot yoga classes. We’re too busy snapping selfies to do anything useful – like, say, get on the property ladder, improve our hideously lacklustre sex lives or buy a jar of marmalade.
Worse still, we’ve killed basically everything that is good and right in the world (think the wine cork, the cappuccino and the McDonald’s McWrap). We trawl social media for memes on a daily – nay, hourly – basis. We laud celebrities for shutting down sexist questions on the red carpet. And, instead of mindlessly following the crowds like everyone else, we insist on mewling and crying over silly first-world issues – like, say, the fact that the USA’s pussy-grabbing president has waged war on our reproductive organs.
Our most damning crime of all, though? We have no sense of humour whatsoever: sexist banter earns nary a smile from us, racist and xenophobic jokes fall completely flat, and all those hilariously transphobic and homophobic witticisms? We don’t even titter. We just can’t take a joke these days.
Except, as these sparklingly salty comebacks prove once and for all, millennials are actually really funny. Like, really f**king funny.
Check it out.
1) On our narcissism:
Rich men hung wall-length paintings of themselves in dining rooms so visitors could see what they looked like stood beside desks thinking https://t.co/HNf1kXysuk— Hanna Jameson (@Hanna_Jameson) March 14, 2017
Tell us again that our selfies are obsessive. We dare you.
2) On our ridiculous spending habits:
Maybe if millennials spent less on brunch and more on particle physics research they could travel to 1974 and afford a house. Just a thought— Vichy Thought Leader (@i_zzzzzz) October 16, 2016
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, baby boomers. Just not near us, thanks.
3) On our contribution to the downfall of society:
Old people: Millennials are ruining things.— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) February 16, 2016
Millennials: You ruined the economy
Old people: Yeah but you spend too much time on your phone.
4) On our career aspirations:
Boomer: "Millennials want open office spaces."— JuanPa (@jpbrammer) October 15, 2015
Millennial: "We want to be compensated for our labor."
Boomer: "No you want bean bag chairs."
Please, please just pay us in money. We need it to buy more avocado and coffee.
5) On our poor sense of humour:
"This generation can't take a joke"— vulpix (@ahoybailey) August 22, 2015
Our entire generation laughs at fucking internet memes all day long we just don't like racist jokes
6) On our sensitivity:
"this generation is 2 sensitive"— vulpix (@ahoybailey) August 22, 2015
yeah i miss the good ol days when ppl could make racist/transphobic/etc jokes and not be held accountable
Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.
7) On our obsession with public healthcare:
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died— sam 🚬 (@sammmmmmmantha) March 8, 2017
This one goes out to Trump and all his supporters.
8) On our sense of entitlement:
"Millennials are so entitled!"— Liam Dryden (@LiamDrydenEtc) February 23, 2016
Aye well I don't see 20-somethings screaming for the manager because their coupon expired a month ago, Janet
F**k you, Janet.
9) On our ability to ruin everything:
If all millennials suddenly died the next day’s article would be “How millennials are driving up funeral costs”— Hippo (@InternetHippo) March 19, 2017
We suck, we get it.
10) On our fascination with Tinder:
If all these articles on millennials are correct, the only thing keeping our mad egos in check is accidentally super-liking people on Tinder— Lauren Duca (@laurenduca) August 23, 2017
At least it helps us to retain our humanity, eh?
11) On our untapped powers:
If the next industry that millennials kill could be all the household chores I hate doing that would be freaking fantastic— Kay (@IHopeYouDanceX4) August 23, 2017
That… that’s actually a great idea. Millennials, assemble!
12) On our obsession with everyday sustenance:
need it to live. next question pic.twitter.com/PrkFHlhZ6U— brian feldman (@bafeldman) August 14, 2015
Is there anyone out there who can honestly say that they’re not obsessed with food? We thought not.
13) On the mystery that surrounds us:
We’re just so very, very enigmatic, aren’t we?
14) On our political beliefs:
Had an old guy tell me you wouldn't catch him canvassing for $15/hr.— Sydney (@SexInThe_Sydney) August 24, 2017
But millennials are entitled and have unrealistic expectations
We just want the world to be a better place, everyone.
15) On the media’s attempts to understand us:
Time: "Hold my avocado... the catchphrase Millennials have been looking for."— Chris 🥃 (@MixingChris) August 10, 2017
Millennials: "Oh, that magazine from the dentist in the 90s."
Come the f**k on, Time.
16) On our inability to buy property:
#HowToConfuseAMillennial— Baegar Targaryen (@TVsCarlKinsella) September 4, 2016
Destroy the housing market
Replace grad jobs with unpaid internships
Tell them to buy a house
17) And on that note:
the news: world is going to be uninhabitable by 2050— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) May 20, 2017
also the news: why won't millennials invest in longterm purchases??
Why bother, eh?
18) On our need to constantly be rewarded:
Damn millennials and their participation trophies. pic.twitter.com/2vQ5SNJdy2— Justin Wolfers (@JustinWolfers) May 20, 2017
Double standards, much?
19) On our enduring love for our teddy-bears:
Alternate headline: "Millennials cling to stuffed animals as we continue the world's free fall into dystopia" https://t.co/NNVhuVtNQw— ✨Commander 🐦 Holly✨ (@HollyConrad) May 19, 2017
Plus we need someone to share a bed with, considering our generation has apparently never had sex.
20) On our obsession with cleanliness:
i just brushed my teeth in the bathroom at the airport and this old lady scoffed, said "millennials." do baby boomers not brush their teeth?— dairy queen (@bradybunchess) May 13, 2017
Hey, at least we have pearly whites, eh?
21) On our fondness for brunch:
I think maybe millennials love brunch so much because they can't afford to eat two separate meals.— Josh Watson 🏸 (@MisterJWatson) May 16, 2017
Obviously this is it, yes.
22) On our hatred of diamonds:
I work at a grocery store— old row disliker (@CowlonFullerton) July 1, 2016
Yup, we’re killing the diamond industry too. Who knew?
23) On Brexit, Donald Trump, and the like:
Millennial: [Takes a few too many selfies for Instagram.]— Edwin Del Bosque (@edwindelbosque) July 28, 2016
Baby Boomer: [Destroys the british, continental, and global economy in one day.]
Thanks, Baby Boomers. You’re amazing.
24) On Pokemon Go:
why are baby boomers so mad at everything millennials do. when we're bored we play Pokémon. when you're bored u ruin economies. who's worse— farwz (@farwzz) July 13, 2016
Pikachu, we choose you over global despair, any day of the week.
25) On Baby Boomers and their hatred of our generation:
If I had a dollar for every time a BabyBoomer complained about my generation, I'd have enough money to buy a house in the market they ruined— 🌱💧🛴🕴💧 (@talzir) March 15, 2015
So many dollars.
26) On our infinite patience:
Cashier: Sorry for your wait! We're short staffed— Steven (@IIIIIMCMXCV) March 11, 2017
Millennial: It's fine! Don't worry! 😁
Middle Aged Woman: pic.twitter.com/1DEDHuP5sj
Seriously, guys, stop being so entitled.
27) On our dream TV show:
We… we genuinely want to watch Switching Cribs. Can someone make this a thing, please?
28) On our fashion tastes:
30) On our vastly superior tech skills:
#HowToConfuseAMillennial— Jester (@JesterAvali) August 23, 2017
Baby Boomer: We invented the computer. Without us, you wouldn't have them.
Me: Without us, you couldn't fix them.
Mum, if you’re reading this, I’ll help you figure out your emails IN A MINUTE, OK?
31) On why we are the way we are:
#howtoconfuseamillennial— Chalilah Taylor (@kurenaimk2) June 3, 2017
Teach your kids that everyone's a winner then complain 20 years later about the gen where "everyone gets a trophy"
This is legit.
32) On our aspirations in life:
currently living the #millennial dream of:— C.J. Alicandro 😴 (@socialsiege) August 29, 2017
1. having food
2. living close to friends
3. that's about it
At least they’re achievable.
33) On what a millennial truly is:
A millennial is any young person you don't like.— Kashana (@kashanacauley) April 30, 2016
34) On our unnatural fascination with libraries:
Millennials don't buy diamonds, they're killing chain restaurants and golf, AND they use libraries? LORD SAVE US FROM THEIR TERROR! https://t.co/Slcg5gfagd— Jen Richards (@SmartAssJen) June 23, 2017
Won’t somebody please think of the children?
35) On every last thing we’ve killed:
I think I'm going a make a collage of headlines about millennials killing things and hang it on my wall.— regan (@theindiealto) July 27, 2017
Did you think I was kidding pic.twitter.com/PsS8sca31p— regan (@theindiealto) August 15, 2017
The arts and crafts industry is immune from our murderous rampage, if anyone’s wondering.
36) On the blame game:
Millennials are killing the ability for boomers to pass blame on them.— Ranor (@ohgoditsranor) August 15, 2017
We bet this rings truer than most people would like to admit, to be honest.
Images: Rex Features