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10 unrealistic love lessons we learned watching Nicholas Sparks films

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From Safe Haven to A Walk To Remember, almost every single one of Nicholas Sparks’ romantic novels has been transformed into a movie by this point. And, boy, are there a lot of them.

However, if we’re being completely honest, there is really only one Sparks novel, and that’s The Notebook. He just weaves the same yarn over and over again, making a few minor tweaks here and there, bestowing new names upon his characters, and plonking them down in different settings.

And yet, despite this, the films (and novels) continue to be wildly popular, with many of us dutifully heading off to the cinema to marvel at Sparks’ romantic prowess. Because… because he just gets it, doesn’t he? He just understands the intricacies and complexities of love like nobody else on this planet.

 With that in mind, here are the ten life lessons we learned watching his stories unfold on the silver screen…


1)  Rain is sexy

The Notebook: Noah and Ally kiss in the rain

Nothing says romance quite like the smell of damp clothes...

The Notebook promised us that rain is sexy. It promised us. Hell, Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams managed to make it seem as if their wet clothes had the same effect as popping a couple of Viagra pills - but they were lying.

We’ve done our research, you see. And rain is actually cold, wet (the bad kind of wet, we hasten to add), ruins hairstyles, makes clothes itchy and causes a strange smell of damp to linger about you wherever you go.

Plus there’s the very real fear that you could drown if you attempt to open-mouth kiss during a very heavy rainstorm.

Not exactly conducive to great sex, but hey, that’s just us.


2)  … but dead spouses are sexier

Safe Haven's Josh Duhamel and Julianne Hough

"Did I mention that my wife is dead?"

According to Sparks, women find men with dead spouses sexy. Overwhelmingly sexy. So sexy that, upon hearing about said dead spouse, we want nothing more than to throw ourselves at them and comfort them by pressing all of our intimate body parts against their… well, against their most intimate body parts.

Hmm.

Personally, we’re more likely to make someone a cuppa and help them talk through their feelings when they drop the “my life partner just died” bombshell on us… but maybe we’re in the minority here?


3)  Cities are where romance goes to die

The Last Song: Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth

If you're in the country, anything goes...

Heaven really is a place on earth, and it’s smack bang in the middle of rural America. Think about it; Message in a Bottle is set in Cape Cod, The Last Song plants its flag in Georgia, The Longest Ride gallops through Asheville, The Notebook is all about the austere coastal beauty of North Carolina, and both The Lucky One and The Best of Me make their home in Missouri.

What does this teach us?

That’s right, y’all; love can only ever hope to flourish in the countryside. After all, without a plethora of amber sunsets and lakes to stare at moodily as we contemplate our relationship, we’re doomed to spend our lives alone. 


4)  Letters are the key to our hearts… and our underwear

Safe Haven: The letter

Some things are just better on paper, aren't they?

Forget sexts, phone calls, and, you know, actual face-to-face conversations with your beloved; the only way a relationship is going to work is if one or both of you vomits your feelings out onto a sheet of paper.

It is for this reason that a handwritten letter probably beats oysters and chilies to the number one spot on the aphrodisiac top 10 lists. Just one whiff of that ink and, all of a sudden, you’re halfway towards the best orgasm of your life…


5)  … but words are overrated

The Lucky One poster

Don't look directly into his eyes - you'll be bowled over by all that raw emotion...

Why waste time with words when you can communicate all those years of love, and longing, and pent-up frustration with a single look? 


6)  No summer romance is ever truly over

You may have been young, you may have been naïve, you may have dated for a single summer before moving away for good… but it’s not over. Hell, you may have spent five years apart, and settled down with someone else in that time, but it STILL isn’t over.

Why? Well, firstly because you’re only ever allowed one meaningful relationship in your life. And, secondly, because he probably wrote you letters every single day, then stashed them lovingly away in a box, so that he could take them out and read them and think about all the times you shared. Remember, like the time you ate an ice cream together? That was nice. Or the time you sad “f**k it!” to personal safety and lay down in the middle of a country road? Also nice.

So many times. You had so many times and you just don’t realise it.


7)  Material goods are key to long-lasting love

The Notebook house

It just isn't true love until he builds you your dream house, okay?

… but it only counts if he made it with his own rough-skinned hands, okay? Think Josh Duhamel in Safe Haven, sweetly crafting a bicycle for Julianne Hough. Which seems like a pretty big deal, until you remember that Ryan Gosling built Rachel McAdams a house in The Notebook.

Yup, we’re not kidding; he built her an actual house – despite the fact that she had seemingly ignored every single one of his pleading letters (“I wrote you every day for a year”) and was happily engaged to someone else at the time.

Don’t knock him, though, because it 100% worked. So, the next time your relationship is on the rocks, don’t say sorry with words – say it with property.


8)  Keep things as PG as possible

The Lucky One - sex scene

As long as everyone keeps their undercrackers on, it's absolutely fine

Yes, you’re going to want to have sex at some point (because, let’s face it, this is a Sparks movie), but try to keep any sordid fetishes out of it, okay?

Gentle back caressing? Yes. Stroking a strand of hair away from their face? Obviously. Pressing them gently up against a wall? Go for it.

Spanking, roleplay, dirty talk, oral sex, and the like? No, nay, and never. Don’t even think about it, or you’ll be written out of the story faster than you can say “crotchless knickers”.


9)  Long walks = foreplay

A Walk to Remember

"All this walking has left me feeling hot and bothered, if you know what I mean. Do you... do you know what I mean?"

To be fair to Sparks, we agree with him on this one; rambles through the countryside always boost our mood. We wouldn’t go so far as to say that all woodland paths lead to Orgasm Central, but hey, maybe we just haven’t had that… wait for it… ‘walk to remember’ yet.


10)  Ghosts make great matchmakers

Safe Haven - ghost

Spoiler: One of these women is a ghost - and it's not Julianne Hough

If you’re really struggling to find The One, try to befriend your friendly neighbourhood ghost (this genuinely happens in Safe Haven, we swear to god).

Anyway, Casper will point you in the direction of a sensitive, shirtless, widower – who will undoubtedly prove to be good with his hands. Winner. 

 

Movie stills and images: The Notebook, Safe Haven, The Last Song, The Lucky One, A Walk To Remember

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