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Celebrity school reports


Ah, if only we could turn back time and catch a glimpse of celebrities as school kids. Who would be the class clown? Who would be teacher's pet? And who would be sneaking out come break time for a sly snog behind the bike sheds?

Happily for us, the folks over at Cecily's Fund have conjured up a snapshot of star-studded school life this week, with a series of school reports penned by the likes of Idris Elba, Joanna Lumley and other famed names from the world of stage and screen.

The reports are written by the celebs in question in the voice of their teenage selves and provide a hilarious insight into what they were like as youngsters. The Wire star Elba, for example, is accused of leading his friends "down the wrong path" while Ab Fab darling Lumley is apparently "inclined to sulk" and rather harshly, what Sue Perkins "lacks in intelligence, she makes up for in stupidity" (a line she claims was actually written in one of her school-hood reports). Bill Nighy, meanwhile, is singled out for his bad hair, which seems a bit unfair...

The reports are part of an eBay auction being run by Cecily's Fund to raise funds for the education of orphans and other vulnerable young children in Zambia. The auction starts today, with the opportunity to bid for original school reports written by everyone from Joanna Lumley to Downton star Hugh Bonneville.

Get bidding here or grab a taste of the delights to be had at the auction with our preview extracts, below.

You can see more about Cecily's Fund on its website, Twitter account or Facebook page.

Idris Elba - "sometimes he leads the boys down the wrong path"

The Wire star Idris was doing rather well in drama from an early age - but by all accounts he was a bit of a troublemaker too.

"Idris is a natural leader but sometimes he leads the boys (his friends) down the wrong path and they follow him like sheep - Baa Baa Baa," his report reads.

"Anyway! If he uses his influence to direct his very imaginative plays, he would get an A+ instead of an A-. Drama is something he should consider in the future."

Joanna Lumley - "she is inclined to sulk"

Ab Fab star Joanna Lumley apparently had a competitive streak back in her teen years.

"Joanna has a great sense of fun, but she must realise she cannot always be first," her report says.

"She is inclined to sulk if she cannot have her own way."

Sue Perkins - "she is always eating cake"

We love the way broadcaster Sue Perkins has listed her age: "35 + VAT" (ho,ho). Despite this, it seems she wasn't doing too well back in her school days.

"What Sue lacks in intelligence, she makes up for in stupidity," is apparently an actual quote from her school report of 1982. Ouch.

Natascha McElhone - "her cynicism is worrisome"

Californication star Natascha McElhone's report is rather highbrow and whimsical, while hinting at her dissension in the ranks (and free-thinking potential) when it comes to religious belief.

"Natascha resists giving herself over to the idea of believing without proving," her report reads. "When I speak of all the miracles I have been a part of it is always Natascha's hand which annoyingly shoots up to cast doubt upon the veracity of my personal experience and how miracles move in my life. Her cynicism is worrisome in one so young."

Bill Nighy - "What horrible hair you have"

Love Actually lead Bill Nighy's report is short but to the point. Not so much preoccupied with intellectual ability, it instead focuses in on his golden locks, saying:

"Nighy, what horrible hair you have."

Hugh Bonneville - "he must learn not to be grumpy"

Back when Downton Abbey's Hugh Bonneville was 10 years old, he was a bit of a moody soul - or so his school report suggests.

"Hugh must learn not to be grumpy when he gets his equations wrong," the report reads.

Bid for your own original copy of a celebrity school report on the Cecily's Fund eBay auction page here.

Photos: Rex Features



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