Will not be packing crutches

Will not be packing crutches

A Stylist reader on why she hates adventure holidays

Rachel Brown, 27, a Higher Education fundraiser from Edinburgh writes "Holiday season is upon us and I am starting a campaign for blandness and mediocrity. It might be that I am lazy, but I’d rather not spend my free and precious holiday time in places where I am likely to blunder into a war zone or have an intimate parasite problem.

I do not see the desert as a theme-park, nor wish to acquaint myself with the bug-life of the amazon-jungle, and definitely do not desire to be anywhere near a ‘near death’ experience. What's wrong with the beach?

Now skiing. Whose idea was that? Before you tell me that you can’t appreciate skiing until you’ve done it, and felt the alpine air - I have been, so I do know what I’m talking about. Be assured that I was not at one with the mountain, I was hurtling down it. And the undisputable joy of slaloming down said mountain is disputable. If someone suggested to you that you strapped two long bits of wood to your feet, were towed to the top of a hill, only to then slide to the bottom – you’d ask them where their pills were.

I do not appreciate any holiday where broken limbs are a strong possibility. And because I am not posh enough to have been skiing since I was a foetus, I do not have the cool gear; the salopettes, the headbands, the brightly coloured sun-block for my face. Actually, even in the cool gear you look like a primetime idiot. The fashion crisis of it alone should put us all right off.

"On holiday, I’d prefer it if I didn’t need to wear a safety helmet or sign a strongly worded disclaimer."

I did a lot of nervous laughing when I was skiing. I laughed as children effortlessly ‘swooped’ past me, as I had a panic attack at the top of the slope, as I got stuck in a hole, as the instructor told me to ‘feel the mountain,’ and as I careered with abandon and absolutely no control, to a near untimely death.

When I finally made it to the ‘après-ski’, there were Hooray Henrys in plaster as far as the eye could see. And don’t even get me started on the boots. Let's just say I needed a lot of après ski to even be able to walk home - and discomfort and danger do not a holiday make.

As for adventure? I’m probably ok thanks. More and more of my friends are going on adventure holidays. Some of them are cycling across countries, climbing mountains, kayaking or worse. I’m sorry, but on holiday I’d prefer it if I didn’t need to wear a safety helmet or sign a strongly worded disclaimer.

It’s not that I’m adverse to exercise. A walk around town, a swim in the warm pool or Indian ocean, even a casual game of mini-golf is fine, but I am mainly on holiday to relax. I do not want blisters, saddle sore, or malaria. I will not be wearing ‘action-sandals’ unless my life literally depends on it.

So, if the options are limited to the above, I’d really rather stay at home. You can keep your alpine air. I’m going to go to the beach and read books. I will not require scratchy thermals, a stupid brightly coloured puffer jacket or fashionable sunglasses. But most importantly, I will not require air-lifting out of anywhere.

Do you agree with Rachel? Would you rather relax on the beach, or be more adventurous on holiday? Share your views in the comments section below.