Yesterday, record-breaking author E.L. James added to her Fifty Shades trilogy with a fourth book; this time told from the perspective of sadomasochistic billionaire, Christian Grey.
Today, after reading the book cover-to-cover and returning to the Red Room of Pain (all in the name of investigative journalism), we can reveal what we’ve learned about Christian.
*Warning: explicit content*
1) He’s definitely, definitely not gay
“Are you gay, Mr Grey?”
What the hell!
I cannot believe she’s said that out loud! Ironically, the question even my own family will not ask. How dare she! I have a sudden urge to drag her out of her seat, bend her over my knee, spank her, and then fuck her over my desk with her hands tied behind her back. That would answer her ridiculous question.
Later in the book, the subject is broached again…
“Anal intercourse can be very pleasurable, trust me.”
“Have you done that?” She asks.
“With a man?”
“No, I’ve never had sex with a man. Not my scene.”
2) He has no tolerance when it comes to comfortable clothes
She’s dressed in a tight T-shirt and jeans, not the shapeless shit she was wearing earlier this week. She’s all long legs, narrow waist, and perfect tits.
3) He is top of the food chain
'“Oh.” Her lips form a perfect small o. My cock hardens further. Yes, I’d like to fuck that mouth, that o. I stalk toward her like she’s my prey. Oh baby, I want to bury myself in you.'
4) His senses are all out of whack
She tastes luscious. Wine, grapes, and innocence- a potent, heady mix of flavours.
She has a fresh, wholesome fragrance that reminds me of my grandfather’s apple orchard.
5) He thinks his penis is an actual person
When I open my eyes I’m wrapped around her, our limbs entwined. She’s regarding me with a tender smile. Her face is no longer blotchy and puffy; she looks radiant. My cock agrees, and stiffens in greeting.
And there she is: disarming me once more, surprising me at every turn. My cock concurs.
I have never slept with a woman. I’ve fucked, but to wake up beside an alluring young woman is a new and stimulating experience. My cock agrees.
Her sharp intake of breath is music to my dick.
6) His sexual preferences are more specific than we had ever realised
An image of her shackled to my bench, peeled gingerroot inserted in her ass so she can’t clench her buttocks, comes to mind, followed by a judicious use of a belt of strap. Yeah… that would teach her not to be so irresponsible. The thought is hugely appealing.
She’s staring at me wide-eyed and dazed, and it makes me uncomfortable. Can she read my mind? Or is she just looking at a pretty face.
7) He knows his biology
I skim the leather tongue down through her pubic hair, against her vulva to her vagina.
Her back is a perfect curve, each vertebra outlined from her nape to her fine, fine ass.
8) He really understands women
Surely most women would jump at the opportunity of taking a private jet, but it seems material wealth really doesn’t impress this girl – or she doesn’t like to feel indebted to me. I’m not sure which. Either way, she’s a stubborn creature.
9) He’s a die-hard romantic
I want to fuck her again, preferably after breakfast, but if she’s too sore that will be out of the question. Perhaps I could use her mouth this time.
Make love? We do. We have. It’s just another term for fucking. She studies me, her expression grave. Hell. Is this her idea of more? All the hearts-and-flowers shit, is that what she means?
One evening at my parents’ and she’s expecting serenades and sunsets and fucking walks in the rain.
10) He loves the bants
"I’ll send an email to the head of human resources and have her look into our head count”. This is what I like: our banter.
11) He likes his women like his drinks
With great care – relishing the deed - I tug down her sweat pants. Her beautiful behind is naked and ready for me. As I place my hand on her backside, she tenses every muscle in her body…waiting. Her skin is soft to the touch and I sweep my palm across both cheeks, fondling each. She has a fine, fine ass. And I’m going to make it pink…like the champagne.
12) He’s a total rebel
I haven’t shaved, but I smooth my hair and straighten my jacket, and hope they don’t notice I’m only wearing a T-shirt underneath.
Who gives a fuck, anyway?
13) It’s hard to find the words for this one...
As she tells me she likes her tea weak and black, for a moment I think she’s describing what she likes in a man.
Get a grip, Grey. She’s talking about tea.
14) He nicknames his clothes
In my closet I strip off all my clothes and from a drawer pull out my favourite jeans. My DJs. Dom jeans.
15) Sex with him is like an earthquake
Fuck. I come as spectacularly as she does, and I slump down on top of her while her body tightens around me with aftershocks.
16) He can make a woman orgasm just by touching her nipple
Blowing on one nipple, I roll the other one gently between my thumb and forefinger. He grasps the sheets tightly as I lean down and suck-hard. Her body bows again and she cries out.
17) He always uses protection
As I leave I grab a few condoms and stuff them into my pocket.
I tug my jeans, undoing all the buttons, and freeing my cock. Yanking a condom from my pocket, I rip the foil packet with my teeth and with one hand roll it over my erection.
I take out a condom, then discard my jacket on the floor. With my eyes on hers I open the packet and roll it down my eager dick.
...but sometimes he wishes he didn’t have to
I stand up, remove the wretched condom and knot it, then dress, picking up my jacket from the floor.
Like what you see? The book is out now and you can buy it here.
Words: Harriet Hall
Images: Rex Features