Books

The greatest quotes from Bridget Jones to guide us through modern life

Posted by
Katharine Busby
Published

Filming of Bridget Jones’s Baby may be well underway, but our hapless heroine has been dolling out wisdom via Helen Fielding’s brilliant books since 1996. Here, we find 16 moments when Bridget was right on the money.

  • On smug married couples

    '"Maybe the Smug Marrieds only mix with other Smug Marrieds and don’t know how to relate to individuals any more. Maybe they really do want to patronize us and make us feel like failed human beings. Or maybe they are in such a sexual rut they’re thinking, “There’s a whole world out there,” and hoping for vicarious thrills by getting us to tell them the roller-coaster details of our sex lives."

    Coining the term ‘smug marrieds’ is truly one of Bridget’s greatest legacies.

  • On post-Christmas blues

    "Was really beginning to enjoy the feeling that normal service was suspended and it was OK to lie in bed as long as you want, put anything you fancy into your mouth, and drink alcohol whenever it should chance to pass your way, even in the mornings. Now suddenly we are all supposed to snap into self-discipline like lean teenage greyhounds."

    January 3rd – we’ve all been there.

  • On priorities

    "Am going late-night underwear shopping tonight with Magda to solve figure problems in short term…

    … Means cannot go to gym but sturdy undergarment much more effective in short term than gym visit."

    She makes a good point.

  • On geography

    "Honestly. In the modern age it is not necessary to know where countries actually are since all that is required is to purchase a plane ticket to one. They do not exactly ask you at the travel agent’s which countries you will be flying over before they will give you a ticket, do they?"

    No. No, they don’t.

  • On staying positive

    "Look, it’s all fine. Definitely. Realize have no job, no money, no boyfriend, flat with hole in which cannot go to, and am living with man I love in bizarre, platonic housekeeper-style capacity in giant fridge and someone wants to kill me, but this, surely, is temporary state."

    Looking on the bright side is a skill.

  • On good matches

    "There are sometimes those relationships that once you see them starting you just know, click: that’s it, it’s perfect, it’s going to work, they’ll go for the long haul – usually the sort of relationships you see starting between your immediate ex, who you were hoping to get back with, and somebody else."

    Yup.

  • On grooming

    "Completely exhausted by entire day of date-preparation. Being a woman is worse than being a farmer – there is so much harvesting and crop spraying to be done."

    And farmers don’t know the pain of a wax.

  • On parenting

    "But the thing about having kids is: you can’t go to pieces; you just have to keep going. KBO: Keep Buggering On."

    Terrifyingly true.

  • On social media

    "7.06am Just remembered am on Twitter. Feel wildly puffed up! Part of huge social revolution and young…

    … I will have gone viral. Can’t wait to see how many followers have come!!

    7.10am Oh."

    We can’t all be Katy Perry.

  • On culture

    "I always think I’m going to enjoy going to Edinburgh then end up only being able to get into the mime acts."

    When you try to be high-brow and it fails.

  • On hosting dinner

    "7.55pm Aargh. Doorbell. Am in bra and pants with wet hair. Pie is all over floor. Suddenly hate the guests."

    Why do people think it’s OK to arrive five minutes early?

  • On online dating

    "Actually, when I looked, there were some really quite cute ones on there. But oh, the loneliness – the profiles giving away months or maybe years of heartbreak and disappointment and insult."

    Just wait until Bridget discovers Tinder.

  • On exercise

    "Blimey. Started off in yoga, but realized had drunk too much Diet Coke again. Suffice to say it didn’t go very well during Pigeon Pose."

    Don’t try Halasana after too much dried fruit either.

  • On 14th February

    "Oh God. Valentine’s Day tomorrow. Why? Why? Why is entire world geared to make people not involved in romance feel stupid when everyone knows romance does not work anyway. Look at royal family."

    Round it comes, every year, taunting singles everywhere.

  • On new starts

    "Today I will take responsibility for my own life and start loving myself. I am lovely. I am marvellous. Oh God. Where’s the Silk Cut?"

    One day, we’ll all be that person Bridget strives to be… right?

  • On the good life

    "7pm Mmm. Mmm. Mark just got all horny before supper. Mmmmm."

    Tsk, why does no one use ‘horny’ any more?