“When are you going to give us a day out?”

If you are in a relationship of any length, then the next question on everyone’s lips will be when you’re going to do the decent thing and have a wedding. If it’s an older relative and you’re feeling particularly spicy you can ask them when they’re going to do the decent thing and have a funeral. Otherwise just tell them about your plans to wed at a very expensive all-inclusive resort in Mexico and that you can’t wait for them to join you. They’ll disappear faster than a cat with the Christmas ham.

“Do we hear the pitter patter of tiny feet?”

There’s a certain breed of busybody who appears from behind bushes and under beds anytime a woman of a child-bearing age comes within five feet of a baby. “Oh, it suits you, that”, they say, practically doing a fertility dance in the direction of your womb. “You’re a natural”, they cry, as they fumble through your phone searching for your period tracker and your next fertile window. Passing them the baby in the manner of a scrum-half should get them to reconsider.

“Shouldn’t you be saving?”

Self-gifting is one of the best parts of Christmas. But nothing will take the lustre off that new luxury handbag or nifty gadget faster than your dad pointing out that you really shouldn’t be spending any money if you plan on getting a mortgage in the next 150 years. As much as you love talking about house prices over your turkey and stuffing sandwiches, it might be worth mentioning that to really put some serious cash away you could always just move home. And of course you’ll need to bring your cat. Watch him change his tune sharpish after that.

8 excellent comebacks for those annoying questions your relatives will definitely ask this Christmas