Just because someone isn’t physically hurting you, doesn’t mean they aren’t abusive

Every time huge, billowing red flags appeared in my head about my relationship, I fell back on the idea that if he didn’t raise a hand to me it would be melodramatic to think of him as abusive.

One of the examples twigs uses of being abused that stuck with me most was being woken up in the middle of the night by her ex-partner. They say sleep deprivation is a form of torture and being endlessly berated when you’re isolated from others, disoriented and tired is a calculated move designed to wear down the other person.

I know this because my ex-partner used to wait until I was almost asleep to start an argument. We worked in different industries, him in a bar in the evening and me at an office job which started at 9am. He never had to worry about getting up for work in the morning and would fabricate arguments to keep me awake all night. I would beg him to let me go to sleep, which would result in accusations that I didn’t care enough about him to discuss our relationship.

In the morning, I’d be groggy and demoralised. As I got ready to go to work he sometimes he sometimes challenged me, saying that by leaving him to go to the office, I wasn’t really committed. Once, as I gathered my work bag and coat, he screamed and cried that if I left I should never return, before leaping out of bed and following me into the street, throwing himself on the floor, naked, demanding that I stay.

He used a lack of sleep to try and wear me down and eventually, to try and stop me going into work. If he had succeeded I could have become dependent on him, isolated from friends and colleagues and have lost confidence in myself and my career. I realise now that these mind games, while not physical, are incredibly dangerous.

“How this podcast helped me heal from a controlling relationship”