It’s biscuit week in the Bake Off tent, here’s everything that went through Entertainment Director Helen Bownass’ head. Warning: episode two spoilers ahead.
Will anything this year ever be as funny as cake week in Bake Off episode one? Truthfully, I don’t think anything in 2020 has made me laugh as much as seeing cake busts shaped like Louis Theroux and David Bowie. I wonder if I’ll ever laugh like that again? I digress…
What I need right now, what we all need right now, is the soothing safety of watching people who care very deeply about mixing and putting things in ovens, while in a tent strung with bunting. I’m ready…
1. Love to see Matt Lucas and Noel Fielding holding hands. Love.
2. Linda: are you really always this happy? How is it possible? Surely you must be in a bad mood sometimes? What makes you furious? (Is it also people who don’t turn the ‘new email’ alert off on their computer?)
3. Sweet Sura, my mum is always telling me to stop crying too. What’s wrong with feeling all your feelings?
4. When did Florentines become a thing? Did I miss this trend?
5. I WANT TO EAT A FLORENTINE IMMEDIATELY.
6. Does Prue have a white plastic spider necklace on? Where on earth did she get it from? I’ve never seen a white plastic spider necklace in a shop. Did she invent it? Did someone invent it for her? If an Instagram account dedicated to Prue’s necklaces doesn’t already exist someone is missing a trick. Paging Connell’s chain…
7. Sura is a key worker. She does yoga. She ‘cries too much’. She caused a ruckus last week. I know it’s illegally early to call our favourite, but here we are…
8. “I like looking at biscuits.” Do you really Noel? I truly believe I could live without ever eating another biscuit in my life again. A waste of a snack to me.
9. Mak is serving up excellent black polo neck realness tonight.
10. It looks so lovely and balmy out the side of the tent. God, summer feels like centuries ago.
11. “Hobnobs are posh where I come from.” Laura coming in a close second in my private favourite baker league.
12. Lottie is left-handed, I always wanted to be left-handed! It looks so special and unique.
13. Paul, why do all the biscuits need to be identical? Surely the fun is picking out the one that is fattest? Or has most filling? Or is a little crunchy around the edges and underbaked in the middle?
14. I have nothing but respect for a man like Rowan, who cooks in an embroidered waistcoat, pink tie, and sets it all off with a jaunty red glasses chain.
15. Matt Lucas is just so pure.
16. How can something need more texture if it already snaps, Paul? What does that mean? Isn’t a snap texture?
17. “I remember worrying about your very large nuts!” Smutty Prue is back.
18. Rowan absolutely doesn’t care about doing what Paul says. Oh, to have that confidence.
19. Would love to know where Hollywood has been to get that deep a tan? South of France for a month, I bet.
20. Curious to know if you’re born with a sweet tooth or a savoury tooth, or it if just develops? Nature or nurture?
21. Lottie gets a handshake. Do the others secretly seethe when someone gets the first handshake of the series? Or are they not that petty?
22. The biscuit fascism continues for the coconut macaroons. Why must they be uniform? Biscuits are like bodies: we come in all shapes, flavours and sizes.
23. “Do you know what, that’ll do.” This is the the quote that should replace: “Live, Laugh, Love” in kitchens across the land.
24. I said this repeatedly last year but I still don’t understand why the contestants have to wear the same clothes on day two? Do they get them dry-cleaned overnight?
25. Hang on. They have to make biscuit table setting representing a memorable meal they once had. What on earth are they talking about? And it has to be moulded? What does that mean? How do you use biscuits as clay?
26. “Every time I’m in Ethiopia…” Alright Mark, we get it, you’re well-travelled.
27. “I just want to curl up in a ball and die!” Lottie speaking truths all over the place.
28. I can’t believe I’m watching people decorate biscuits shaped like cups with spray guns. It’s very soothing and yet I don’t want to eat any of this. Is it just because I don’t like biscuits, or has anyone ever woken up in the morning and thought: Oh I’d love to eat a biscuit shaped like a gravy boat today?
29. Dave is not doing the best job at keeping a neutral face about how good his Mexican table setting biscuits are. I don’t blame him. If I ever go on Bake Off (HA!) I will need to spend a month practising my ‘What me? face.
30. I predict either Mak or Rowan are on the slippery slope to Bake Off dismissal. I’m not pleased about either of those prospects.
31. Oh Mak. I’m sad your lovely beard and cosy knit are going home. It does hurt Sura, you’re right.
The Great British Bake Off is on All 4
Images: Channel 4