Caitlin says: “Here I present to you the 29 things invented over the past 24 years that have greatly improved my life.”
We’ve saved you the stress of heading to the shops – simply click on an item in the gallery below, and shop the full list from the comfort of your computer.
SKIN UP
Say hello to an ex-adult acne sufferer, thanks to Dr Dennis Gross’ genius exfoliating pads.
£18 for five, spacenk.com
BIG MAC
Write anywhere! The park! The beach! Waiting to post bail at Willesden Police Station, 1997!
£1,069, johnlewis.com
MOO-FREE
HOW CAN OATS BE EVEN CREAMIER THAN ACTUAL CREAM? THANK YOU SCIENCE.
£1.80, sainsburys.co.uk
GREEN TEETH
Normal floss doesn’t biodegrade. This does, and comes in a refillable glass jar.
£4.90, georganics.com
OUTFIT ENABLERS
Layer under anything to keep wearing your summer dresses/ blouses in winter.
£12.90, uniqlo.com
SOUND ADVICE
I give these to everyone: tiny company invents best bargain headphones in the world. THE BASS.
£49, flareaudio.com
TASH BE GONE
90s: many hair-removal- cream face-burns. 2019: cute electric tash-zapper. Be Mercury no more.
£12.99, philips.co.uk
TURF WARS
Dog urine trashing your lawn? Plant micro clover: urine-proof, insect-friendly and lush.
£17.99, amazon.co.uk
CAMEL-FREE
All other jeans have given me camel-toe visible from Canada. These forgive around the mons.
£95, whistles.com
MINI MARVEL
In 1995 we had an A-Z, 10p for the phonebox, a Sony Discman and 20 CDs. This is better.
from £499, apple.com/uk
D-LITE
If you live in the UK and use an SPF, there’s no WAY you’re not vitamin D deficient. EAT THESE.
£9.26, uk.iherb.com
LIFE IS A FLOWER
The only perfume people have run down the street to ask, “What is that?” Deepest summer neroli.
£110, libertylondon.com
MELLOW YELLOW
Turmeric a) boosts skin b) supports the gut c) stains like a bitch. But is d) delicious in a latte.
£4.95, shop.lucybee.com
SPOT CHECK
Dab on impending acne and this RAINS DOWN FURY UNTIL THE SPOT DIES.
£43.50, dermalogica.co.uk
ECO CHUM
It’s dog food made of insects (more eco-friendly meat!) and dogs are too stupid to notice.
£13.99, yorapetfoods.com
SOCKS APPEAL
The only – and I mean only – sock that will stay on a baby’s fat, sausage-like leg.
£2, gap.co.uk
TIGHTEN UP
Like watching Lorraine Kelly, you just don’t have to worry about anything with these tights.
HOT SHOT
The HPV vaccine protects against cervical, anal, vaginal and vulval cancer. THANK YOU AGAIN, SCIENCE
free, nhs.uk
ACE FACE
I mean, I just have Gross all over me. The film of my life would be a Gross-out movie.
£46, selfridges.com
BLOODY AMAZING
Hey Girls donates a pack of pads or tampons to women in need for every one you buy.
from £2.85, heygirls.co.uk
BASE-O-MATIC
Chanel Vitalumière Aqua makes the acne-prone-yet-ageing woman look lit as if by God.
£37, feelunique.com
SLASH’N’BURN
For those with an achilles urethra: finally, a cure. No more crying in the bath at 2am.
£8.99, amazon.co.uk
T PARTY
Dream T: upper arm coverage! Collarbone revealage! Lycra for slight tit-cling!
£6.50, marksandspencer.com
EYE KNOW
This will not shift, smudge or die. You can legit apply Monday, still be reaping on Wednesday.
£17, maccosmetics.co.uk
KING OF GIFTS
So expensive you are literally burning money, but compared to a cocaine habit, so benign.
£53, diptyqueparis.com
TABOO SHOE
Fuck you if you don’t love Crocs. It’s a comfy clog you can put in the dishwasher. Result.
£32.99, crocs.co.uk
QUEEN KNICKERS
Found control for major tum. Eliminates chub-rub! The most comfortable your arse has ever been.
£9.90, uniqlo.com
WHALE MERCY
Carry a metal straw with you; contemplate the guts of baleen whales guilt-free.
£7.95, thekitchengiftco.com
SURE, SO SURE
Mum’s Roll-On was better to masturbate with but this 21st century stick is the supremo whiff-slayer.
£4.99, boots.com
Images: courtesy of brands, Getty images
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