Early parenthood is exhausting – it’s totally fine if sex is the last thing on your mind

It goes without saying that whether you’re breastfeeding or not, looking after a newborn is relentless. The 24-hour feed-wind-change routine really takes its toll on parents, both mentally and physically. Most small babies like to spend some of the night awake so having sex in the small window where they might be asleep is often the least of your priorities. Hatty, 39, says: “First-time parenting more broadly was what made me not feel like having lots of sex rather than breastfeeding specifically. I was just so tired all the time, and I find that poor sleep is a big trigger for anxiety. Sleep was always the priority when we got into bed (and often still is).”

Now mum to a three-year-old daughter, Hattie recalls her wife, Karen, “putting her hand on my boob once and me just saying, ‘No, absolutely not.’ At least, that’s what Karen says – I was so sleep-deprived, I don’t remember that conversation at all.”

Breastfeeding can be messy and boobs can change shape (which can be difficult to come to terms with)

When you’re breastfeeding, you become used to the many different sizes and shapes that your breasts can be all in one day. They might be engorged and full when you wake up but soft and empty by evening. Your nipples can become sore or cracked and you might need to wear breast pads if you experience leaking. Maria Elliott, from postnatal physiotherapy firm The Mummy MOT, warns that milk letdown can also occur during intimacy, which might feel awkward for some couples.

All of these breast changes will be new to women who’ve never breastfed before and can really change the way you view your boobs.

Clara, 40, says: “I felt like I couldn’t use my breasts for both sex and sustenance. I had to choose one. I couldn’t mentally deal with the idea of my husband deriving pleasure from my breasts, knowing that later on the same night, I would need them to feed and soothe our baby. Although we still had an active sex life when the kids were very young, I refused to let my husband near my breasts for the whole time I was breastfeeding.”

Hatty agrees that it can difficult to come to terms with what your boobs are actually designed for. “I think there’s a disconnect in women’s heads (or at least, there was in mine) between pre-breastfeeding boobs (ie ‘these are mine and they’re there to look sexy and give me pleasure’) v breastfeeding boobs (’these are my baby’s and they’re there to feed and comfort her’). It’s hard to feel like you’re both at the same time, because the two worlds are so far apart.”

Elliott says if sex is off the agenda, that doesn’t mean the end of intimacy. “Focus on non-sexual forms of connection like cuddling, hand-holding or spending quality time together. Let your partner know that a reduced sex drive doesn’t reflect a lack of love or attraction,” she says.

7 ways breastfeeding can affect your sex life, according to new mums and postnatal experts