Good advice?

Readers respond to agony aunts Dear Coquette, Hayley Quinn and Emma Barnett’s best guidance

Should you tell someone why you aren’t interested in them? Or can you just ignore their texts until they go away? ~ Harleigh, London

Dear Coquette says: First off, I love your name. I don’t know any Harleighs and now I wish I did. As for whether to ghost somebody when you’re not interested, I’m all for applying the golden rule. Text unto others as you would have them text unto you. Nobody likes to be ignored, so unless the person is creeping you out or acting like a dick, it’s generally considered good form to let them know you’re not interested (of course, there’s usually no need to tell them why). If you need a go-to text to let someone down gently, here’s one that you can tailor to suit your own needs: ‘Hey. I had a lot of fun when we hung out. Easy conversation and laughs. However, I don’t think that I’m in a place right now for us to be a good romantic match. I’d definitely be open to being friends, but understand if that’s not what you’re looking for.’

Harleigh’s response: I’ve never written to an agony aunt before so I wasn’t sure what to expect. But I love the response because the “aunt” has still made it fun. It made me laugh. Dating is a tricky area, so I’d be interested to know how a guy would respond too. I will be taking the advice on board – we should all live by a “do unto others” mantra, and I’ll be adapting the suggested polite “will-you-just-piss-off” for sure!

I see jobs advertised that I know I could do, but I don’t necessarily have the experience they’re asking for, and I don’t have the confidence to go for them. How can I fake it? ~ Jodie, Southampton

Hayley Quinn says: Today marks the end of your ‘I’m not confident enough’ reasoning. It annoys me that the stats show women hold back WAY more than men, which leaves us behind on the career ladder and stuck on Tinder. There are three things you need to know if you find yourself hesitating on ‘going for it’.

1. We all have the ability to be confident. You don’t have to ‘fake it’, you need to access what you already have. Try writing a list of your achievements or asking loved ones what your strengths are. Say it over to yourself until it sounds real and not awkward.

2. Every time you ditch your comfort zone and take positive action, you up your confidence factor. Even if you don’t get the job, the fact that you went for it sends an empowering message.

3. Try to see it as best case: you get it (!); other case: you have an opportunity to figure out what you need to work on. Fill that gap by working on the skills you need to get the job next time.

Jodie’s response: I like the first and second points, although the third feels a bit more confusing. You don’t always know what it is that you’re missing so it’s hard to get that experience or skill if you don’t know what it is. But having a list of good things about myself is something I’ll be taking on.

I’m single at 31 and am longing to settle down and have a child. It’s making me unhappy and I think about it all the time, but it feels out of my control. How can I learn to be happy with what I’ve got? ~ Anonymous

Emma Barnett says: Why are you giving up? You are only 31 and while I accept it’s crushingly horrible that you’re not where you want to be, it’s a long life. You have boxed yourself into a corner and now need to fight your way out and change the parameters of your daily existence rather than let them close in around you.

I get it, it’s easy to drift and wallow. But now’s the time to be proactive. Think strategically about your spare time. If people channelled half the energy into their leisure hours as they did into work, we wouldn’t be so dissatisfied. Think back to school. There was assembly, with a dollop of headmistress inspiration; lessons to feed the brain; sport for an endorphin high, but there was also a bright unknown future being worked towards. You need to create a similarly full timetable for your adult life. And crucially, you need to be excited about your future again – if you just allow yourself to believe in it.

Anonymous’s response: There’s a lot to do, but there are good ideas here. I need to start with one thing and go from there. I’m of the mindset of wanting to feel satisfied with what I have rather than over-hauling my life. Also, I don’t want to be jealous of others, I’m very happy they are happy.

Why are women still writing to agony aunts?