As The Great British Bake Off returns to our screens for another year, here’s what we made of the first episode. Warning, spoilers ahead…
2. I think we all could have done without this Wizard of Oz VT if I’m honest.
3. Except for Noel’s glittery red boots. OH MY.
4. A montage, which proves what we all know: Nadiya Hussain is officially the greatest Bake Off winner of all time. They should do an All Star Bake Off!
5. HOW OLD ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE????
6. 13 contestants you say? They all 13 more like…
7. Precisely how many of these people are younger than me? Oh, ALL OF THEM!
8. I wonder where Prue gets her necklaces from? Does she buy them? Or borrow them? I wonder how she stores them? I bet she has a special hanger.
9. So we’re kicking off with “a cake with a significant amount of dried fruit”. I find that a very confusing numerical guide.
10. Michelle is making her cake with home-made eggs. That sounds nice and wholesome. Are you allowed to keep chickens in East London?
11. I wonder who dyed Noel’s hair black again? Convinced he did it himself over the sink with a box dye from Superdrug.
12. How have all these people got cake recipes that have been handed down through their families? No one has ever given me a treasured cake recipe.
13. I don’t think I could get on with someone with a pet python. Hang on! Don’t prove your dough in your snake’s pen.
14. I like that lilac jumper, Michael. And your glasses.
15. I’d prefer it if you stopped causing yourself so many injuries though. It’s giving me awful flashbacks to the time I bought the lasagna from a man with a cut on his finger.
16. The problem is: I just don’t like fruit cake. I believe it’s precisely no-one’s cake of choice.
17. Sound the man bun in the tent klaxon. It’s Dan. And he’s changed his recipe at the last minute. I predict he’s done for.
18. Phil! Where have you been all night? The first person who looks older than me.
19. He has a “good baking relationship” with his wife. Do I have a good baking relationship with anyone? OH. Is it a euphemism?
20. Marzipan is the absolute worst.
21. All these cakes feels a bit old-fashioned. I know it’s the shows 10th anniversary but I’d love something a little more modern.
22. Jamie’s dad looks my age.
23. JAMIE IS 20! He could be my actual child. (Side note: when did I get so obsessed with my age?)
24. “I live like every day is Halloween.” I am already invested in Helena!
24. I can’t work out the temperature in the tent. Some of them are in short sleeves, some of them are in big jumpers.
25. Oh no. I just laughed at Henry dropping his sugar house. Poor him.
26. I wonder who likes each other at this point? Who do I like so far?? Not quite sure anyone is leading the way just yet.
27. “Almost savoury”, is a cake description I can get on with.
28. The first raw cake. Poor Dan with the man bun. I did tell you though…
29. Is it me or does the camera seem to quite like Alice the teacher?
30. What actually is angel cake? Is it just a lazy Battenberg? I enjoy the pastel colour palette though.
31. Let me be the first to say it: the technical is a bit boring.
32. Why are they always so worried about not having the right quantities written down? Just chuck a bit in and chill out.
33. I wonder if they have a toilet in the tent? Are they allowed to go when they want? I wonder how many there are?
34. Is life too short to feather a cake? I think probably yes.
35. And now to: “Create the birthday cake you dreamed of as a child”. A giant iced My Little Pony dream castle for me.
36. I know they ALWAYS do this. But why do all the contestants have to wear the same clothes on day two? It makes no sense?
37. No, no, no! Hollywood making a sexual innuendo about a furry/fairy house is going to give me nightmares.
37. A dropped ice-cream on the beach is not the cake you dreamed of as a child I’m afraid. It’s just something that once happened to you.
38. Oh right. Everyone is taking pure poetic license with this theme. They should all be disqualified for breaking the rules.
39. Jamie loved salted caramel growing up. Salted caramel didn’t exist when I was growing up. We agreed no more age self-torture Helen.
40. “Some of us have got snakes, some of have got worms”. Oh Noel, you’re better than that.
41. Well, Priya’s zebra print dress is brilliant.
42. Yes, Michael. A treasure chest cake, like the one you had as a child.
43. “I’ve got a stress hernia.” Michael for the win!
44. I wonder if the contestants’ clothes get dry cleaned over night? They must sweat quite a bit in there.
45. “Don’t worry it’s only our childhood dreams on the line.” If Michael doesn’t win, the world is a deeply unjust place.
46. Jamie keeps doing that teenage boy thing of pretending he doesn’t care. Jamie, it’s OK to care.
47. Michelle’s cake is “faultless”. Have I ever done anything faultless in my life, I wonder?
48. Oh poor Jamie. It’s okay to be upset when things don’t go right my love.
49. This is actually quite important he lets himself be upset. He cares! We have to let our young men feel their feelings.
49. I wonder if the judges have aching teeth at the end of the day?
50. They gave Jamie a chance. That’s good. And Dan is having a little cry about leaving. I knew he was done for but I’m sad that he’s sad.
51. Now lovely Michelle is having a proud “I’m a winner” cry.
52. Never not crying when people get emotional am I?
The Great British Bake Off is on Channel 4 on Tuesdays at 8pm
Images: Channel 4