The sexist traditions

Hindu weddings are filled with fun little quirks and moments of humour which I love. For example, when the mother of the bride welcomes the groom at the top of the aisle by placing a chandlo (red dot) on his forehead, he is playfully lifted up so that she can't reach him. There's also the well-known operation of stealing the groom's shoes and my personal favourite - an impromptu competition between the bride and groom when the priest announces that whoever sits on their seats first, once the vows are made (seven steps), will be the leader in the relationship. It's all taken with a pinch of salt and makes for great fun during a two-hour ceremony.

But then there are some traditions that leave a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. One aspect I've battled with takes place after the religious rituals, when lunch or dinner is served. Ten years ago in Britain and even today in the small Indian town where my family originate from, the bride's family serve the groom's immediate and extended family food. It stems from the discomforting idea that the wedding is an event hosted by the bride's parents and the groom is their guest. When I let my thoughts get the better of myself, I wonder if it has undertones of the hierarchy established by India's patriarchal dowry system, although I firmly believe that any association with this has largely fallen away in western countries. So I look forward to seeing my in laws and my family sit side by side, be served dinner by the catering waiters and watch them dig into a meal in unison.

One bride I spoke to said she did away with her family's tradition of feeding the groom's uncles on arrival in the morning. "The breakfast is a part of the day that symbolises the distance the uncles had to travel in the past to get to the girl's town where the marriage is taking place. In India they would have arrived hungry and in need of some energy. Today this isn't the case and only feeding the men isn't really fair."

In some communities there's also a debate surrounding the bride's aisle walk, where elders believe she should be carried in a doli (carriage) by the men in her family rather than walking by foot. A couple I approached, who were keen to separate religion from the traditions that have been merely added to rituals by people throughout the ages, insisted on not doing this. "[My fiancée] wanted to walk in to represent her equal standing with me, however her grandmother wanted her to be carried in by her family," said the groom.

The extravagant gifting

We will wrap more presents in the next fortnight than we will over the next five Christmases. Far from the bride and groom receiving congratulatory presents, our pre-wedding rituals are peppered with moments where gifts such as sarees, small ornaments and money envelopes are presented to our family relations (first and second cousins of my parents, their partners and their children). It's a huge added cost that I'm having trouble comprehending.

But perhaps the most unpractical gifting is gold jewellery for the bride and groom. South Asians typically regard gold as the most valuable gift they can offer a couple, because its worth only appreciates with time. But as one bride put it, "Who sells their wedding gold to realise the gains and also how many people wear elaborate, chunky gold jewellery these days? I knew it would just sit there at the back of my wardrobe or a bank safe, so I asked to be given something that would be valuable to us today."

From sexist traditions to mammoth costs, why it’s time we modernised Asian wedding ceremonies