“The day I dress for a man is the day they dress me in my coffin to see Jesus”
If you delve into the misogynist depths of social media and read what some idiots people are saying about us, you’ll quickly come to the conclusion that we’re all unsmiling, embittered, sex-starved, man-hating witches. We keep our hair short, our shoes flat, and our bras brightly aflame. We mewl and cry over ‘silly’ first world issues (like, say, the fact that the USA’s pussy-grabbing president has waged war on our reproductive organs).
And, of course, we meet in secret and plot to capture every single male human, so that we can chain them up in an underground dungeon and milk them of their semen. Because, y’know, that’s what abolishing the patriarchy is really all about.
Perhaps the most common complaint about feminists, however, is that we don’t have a sense of humour. “It’s just a bit of banter,” misogynists will tell us, before ordering us to “lighten up” and (our favourite) “give us a smile”.
It goes without saying, of course, that they’ve got it completely wrong: feminists are actually really f**king funny. In fact, we’re probably the most hilarious people on the internet.
Don’t believe us? We’ll prove it.
Sit back and relax as we navigate you through the internet’s best, funniest, and – above all else – saltiest feminist comebacks ever.
1) On our eating habits
Lili Reinhart – who stars in Netflix’s Riverdale as Betty – recently shared a photo of herself tucking into a delicious plate of fried chicken and chips. But, as ever, there’s always someone out there to make you feel bad about yourself.
That’s right: someone on Twitter, who has since deleted their tweet, decided to talk down to Lili for her choice in meal, saying that they were just so worried her acting career would be overshadowed by her weight.
However Reinhart wasn’t about to let anyone make her feel bad for enjoying her dinner, and she quickly penned a response.
“Thank-you so much for being concerned about my weight,” she wrote. “I’ll respond later after my double cheeseburger.”
We couldn’t have put it better ourselves.
2) On consent
I don't get how rape is so hard to understand for some men. But, if you put it like this, they get it:— nafisa (@thatxxv) August 16, 2016
If you ask me for $5, and I'm too drunk to say yes or no, it's not okay to then go take $5 out of my purse... Just because I didn't say no.— nafisa (@thatxxv) August 16, 2016
If you put a gun to my head to get me to give you $5, you still stole $5. Even if I physically handed you $5.— nafisa (@thatxxv) August 16, 2016
If I let YOU borrow $5, that doesn't give the right for your FRIEND to take $5 out of my purse.— nafisa (@thatxxv) August 16, 2016
"But you gave him some, why can't I?"
If you steal $5 and I can't prove it in court, that does NOT mean you didn't steal $5.— nafisa (@thatxxv) August 16, 2016
Just because I gave you $5 in the past, doesn't mean I have to give you $5 in the future.— nafisa (@thatxxv) August 16, 2016
If you can understand alllllll of that, how do you not understand the concept of rape?— nafisa (@thatxxv) August 16, 2016
Ok, rant over. Times like this are good because it lets me know which men to avoid spend any time with or in the vicinity of.— nafisa (@thatxxv) August 16, 2016
3) On literally all men
If we had a penny for every time we’ve been subjected to the #NotAllMen argument, we’d finally own that tropical island we’ve been dreaming of…
4) On showing more skin
There’s nothing we love more than an amazing show of feminist goodwill, unless, of course, it’s an amazing show of feminist goodwill with added potato skins.
5) And while we’re on the subject of girls showing too much skin…
If you find our outfits to be too distracting, you’re almost definitely the problem.
6) On make-up
7) On make-up (again)
8) On catcalling
It may have been a sugary donut, but it made for one seriously salty comeback.
9) On those boring misconceptions about female drivers
10) On female representation in TV and films
As a gender, we’re sure women could never even dream of understanding how it must feel to be treated like second-class citizens in Hollywood.
11) And on that note...
Anna Kendrick is the hero that women everywhere deserve, quite frankly.
12) And just one more...
90% of ghosts in films are women— Mia Rukherjee (@tweetria) June 17, 2016
Feminism is totally winning in a paranormal realm
We guess that means women were slaying at ghosting long before it was cool.
13) On double standards
Guy: hey your bra strap is showing— Neha Ramneek Kapoor (@PWNeha) December 4, 2016
Same guy: *pulls dick out to pee on the road*
14) On how to respond to any guy who demands ‘entertainment’ on #TitsOutTuesday
How do we love thee, feminist badasses of the Twitterverse? Let us count the ways…
15) On sexual harassment
He will have definitely needed a lot of ice for that killer burn.
16) On cleavage-shaming
When Susan Sarandon opted for a V-neck at the SAG Awards, she was criticised and hounded on social media by men and women alike for daring to show her cleavage. There was one person in particular, however, who wouldn’t leave her alone: television presenter and Daily Mail columnist, Piers Morgan. Which makes this salty #TBT photo all the more perfect.
17) On the Friend Zone
18) On body-shaming
If you're a male pundit critiquing a woman's weight you should have to do it shirtless in front of an audience of women three rosés deep— erin ryan (@morninggloria) September 29, 2016
We actually think that would make a pretty awesome TV show, to be honest…
19) On the concept of vanity
You can complain all you want about women taking selfies; we aren't the ones naming our children our own exact fucking names.— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) May 25, 2016
Who’s got a duck face now, eh?
20) On mansplaining
Yup, it seems as if Sophia has got Twitter well and truly covered.
21) On history
In 1770, British parliament banned lipstick, saying it had the power to seduce men into marriage, which was classified as witchcraft. 💄💋— Alexandrea (@alexandreashea) July 29, 2014
Maybe it’s witchcraft? Maybe it’s Maybelline.
22) On Instagram’s bizarre censorship rules
"Nipples killed my parents, and I'll be damned if anyone else should ever have to see those murderers again" -the founder of Instagram— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) April 5, 2016
Remember: male nipples are absolutely fine. It’s female nipples that will make the world burn.
23) On those outdated gender stereotypes
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.— Living Marble (@living_marble) April 14, 2016
Oh, misogynists – when will you learn? Also, get back in the garage: that fanbelt won’t tighten itself, y’know.
24) On expressing our emotions
This is, without a doubt, our favourite reductive description of a sportsgame ever.
25) On fashion
ITEMS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD OWN:— Anna Fitzpatrick (@bananafitz) May 4, 2016
-Little Black Dress
-Strappy s- ok now that the men have stopped reading, we revolt at dawn.
The menfolk will never see us coming.
26) And on that note...
Riddle us that, men of the world. Riddle us that.
27) On people who don’t like the word 'feminism’
Someone's going to need a lot of H2O after chowing down on that seriously salty comeback, we bet.
28) On periods
Any man who attempts to draw a correlation between a woman’s moods and her menstrual cycle is doomed to fail.
29) On sexist advertising
Hell hath no fury like a woman who’s been subjected to a misogynist billboard.
30) On the natural world
We finally figured out the backstory to Jaws, everybody.
31) On people who don't ‘believe’ in feminism
Consider the mic well and truly dropped.
32) On misogynist tabloid headlines
Someone had to do it.
33) On meninists and Piers Morgan
Nick Offerman, we salute you.
34) On marriage
For those who are wondering, the Oxford Dictionary defines ‘radical’ as “advocating or based on thorough or complete political or social change; representing or supporting an extreme or progressive section of a political party”.
So, yeah, getting married to someone you don't hate, we guess.
35) On the fragile concept of masculinity
See also: every single beauty product that proudly declares it’s “for men”. And Yorkie chocolate bars.
36) On household chores
Best. Listicle. Ever.
37) On ‘female privilege’
We’re going to have to start using the word ‘f**knuts’ more often.
38) On pregnancy
"All these young girls getting themselves pregnant" - wow self-impregnating teenage girls - we as women are evolving at alarming rates...— j r o s e (@jenrosleigh) October 19, 2016
Remember what we said about milking the semen of manacled men? We won’t need to bother if we figure this out.
39) On the ‘weaker sex’
The "weaker sex" is the one that pays for drinks when they see exposed skin right?— Wendy (@sassy_peachess) June 25, 2016
40) On telling us to smile
If it's so normal and well intended, why don't men tell other men to smile? 🤔🙄— 🌻Skye Alexis✨ (@HeavenlySkyes) April 11, 2017
Fun experiment: let’s all try telling strange men to ‘smile’ and report back our findings at the end of the week.
41) On sexist dress codes
That’s one way to trump the Trump.
43) On boringly misogynist assumptions
The power of a good hashtag is undeniable.
44) On social media trolls
Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to invite JK Rowling along.
45) On being asked to appear on live TV alongside Piers Morgan
hi charlotte, i know it's just your job so no hard feelings, but piers morgan is a sentient ham and frankly i'd rather die— Ruby Tandoh (@rubytandoh) April 11, 2017
Consider yourself owned, Morgan.
46) On everyone balking at the idea of an all-female Ghostbusters film
Women make better Ghostbusters than men because we are used to caring about invisible problems no one else believes in.— Stacey Nightmare (@STACEYNIGHTMARE) January 28, 2015
The woman is a genius.
47) On sexist social media comments
More ladies should leave internet comments on men's accomplishments like "he sucks as an astronaut but i'd sit on his face"— dr. dalia ☥𓂀 (@DALIAMALEK) May 30, 2015
Yes. So much yes.
48) On the arrogance of men
It truly is, doesn’t it?
49) On 2017 in general
2017 for feminists is gonna be like that training montage in "Enough" where JLo gets ready to slay the patriarchy.— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) December 29, 2016
We guess there’s always a silver lining somewhere, if you look really, really, really hard for it…
50) On female dragonflies
We’ve literally never related to anything more.
51) On our reproductive choices
We couldn't have put it better ourselves.
52) And on those outdated gender narratives
I will give five whole dollars to the first journalist who writes a piece about a man earnestly titled "Can He Have It All?"— alison becker (@thealisonbecker) January 13, 2015
We could use the money. Consider us commissioned, Alison Becker.