“The day I dress for a man is the day they dress me in my coffin to see Jesus”
If you delve into the misogynist depths of social media and read what some idiots people are saying about us, you’ll quickly come to the conclusion that we’re all unsmiling, embittered, sex-starved, man-hating witches. We keep our hair short, our shoes flat, and our bras brightly aflame. We mewl and cry over ‘silly’ first world issues (like, say, the fact that the USA’s pussy-grabbing president has waged war on our reproductive organs).
And, of course, we meet in secret and plot to capture every single male human, so that we can chain them up in an underground dungeon and milk them of their semen. Because, y’know, that’s what abolishing the patriarchy is really all about.
Perhaps the most common complaint about feminists, however, is that we don’t have a sense of humour. “It’s just a bit of banter,” misogynists will tell us, before ordering us to “lighten up” and (our favourite) “give us a smile”.
It goes without saying, of course, that they’ve got it completely wrong: feminists are actually really f**king funny. In fact, we’re probably the most hilarious people on the internet.
Don’t believe us? We’ll prove it.
Sit back and relax as we navigate you through the internet’s best, funniest, and – above all else – saltiest feminist comebacks ever.
1) On our eating habits
Lili Reinhart – who stars in Netflix’s Riverdale as Betty – recently shared a photo of herself tucking into a delicious plate of fried chicken and chips. But, as ever, there’s always someone out there to make you feel bad about yourself.
That’s right: someone on Twitter, who has since deleted their tweet, decided to talk down to Lili for her choice in meal, saying that they were just so worried her acting career would be overshadowed by her weight.
However Reinhart wasn’t about to let anyone make her feel bad for enjoying her dinner, and she quickly penned a response.
“Thank-you so much for being concerned about my weight,” she wrote. “I’ll respond later after my double cheeseburger.”
We couldn’t have put it better ourselves.
2) On consent
3) On literally all men
If we had a penny for every time we’ve been subjected to the #NotAllMen argument, we’d finally own that tropical island we’ve been dreaming of…
4) On showing more skin
There’s nothing we love more than an amazing show of feminist goodwill, unless, of course, it’s an amazing show of feminist goodwill with added potato skins.
5) And while we’re on the subject of girls showing too much skin…
If you find our outfits to be too distracting, you’re almost definitely the problem.
6) On make-up
7) On make-up (again)
8) On catcalling
It may have been a sugary donut, but it made for one seriously salty comeback.
9) On those boring misconceptions about female drivers
10) On female representation in TV and films
As a gender, we’re sure women could never even dream of understanding how it must feel to be treated like second-class citizens in Hollywood.
11) And on that note...
Anna Kendrick is the hero that women everywhere deserve, quite frankly.
12) And just one more...
We guess that means women were slaying at ghosting long before it was cool.
13) On double standards
14) On how to respond to any guy who demands ‘entertainment’ on #TitsOutTuesday
How do we love thee, feminist badasses of the Twitterverse? Let us count the ways…
15) On sexual harassment
He will have definitely needed a lot of ice for that killer burn.
16) On cleavage-shaming
When Susan Sarandon opted for a V-neck at the SAG Awards, she was criticised and hounded on social media by men and women alike for daring to show her cleavage. There was one person in particular, however, who wouldn’t leave her alone: television presenter and Daily Mail columnist, Piers Morgan. Which makes this salty #TBT photo all the more perfect.
17) On the Friend Zone
18) On body-shaming
We actually think that would make a pretty awesome TV show, to be honest…
19) On the concept of vanity
Who’s got a duck face now, eh?
20) On mansplaining
Yup, it seems as if Sophia has got Twitter well and truly covered.
21) On history
Maybe it’s witchcraft? Maybe it’s Maybelline.
22) On Instagram’s bizarre censorship rules
Remember: male nipples are absolutely fine. It’s female nipples that will make the world burn.
23) On those outdated gender stereotypes
Oh, misogynists – when will you learn? Also, get back in the garage: that fanbelt won’t tighten itself, y’know.
24) On expressing our emotions
This is, without a doubt, our favourite reductive description of a sportsgame ever.
25) On fashion
The menfolk will never see us coming.
26) And on that note...
Riddle us that, men of the world. Riddle us that.
27) On people who don’t like the word 'feminism’
Someone's going to need a lot of H2O after chowing down on that seriously salty comeback, we bet.
28) On periods
Any man who attempts to draw a correlation between a woman’s moods and her menstrual cycle is doomed to fail.
29) On sexist advertising
Hell hath no fury like a woman who’s been subjected to a misogynist billboard.
30) On the natural world
We finally figured out the backstory to Jaws, everybody.
31) On people who don't ‘believe’ in feminism
Consider the mic well and truly dropped.
32) On misogynist tabloid headlines
Someone had to do it.
33) On meninists and Piers Morgan
Nick Offerman, we salute you.
34) On marriage
For those who are wondering, the Oxford Dictionary defines ‘radical’ as “advocating or based on thorough or complete political or social change; representing or supporting an extreme or progressive section of a political party”.
So, yeah, getting married to someone you don't hate, we guess.
35) On the fragile concept of masculinity
See also: every single beauty product that proudly declares it’s “for men”. And Yorkie chocolate bars.
36) On household chores
Best. Listicle. Ever.
37) On ‘female privilege’
We’re going to have to start using the word ‘f**knuts’ more often.
38) On pregnancy
Remember what we said about milking the semen of manacled men? We won’t need to bother if we figure this out.
39) On the ‘weaker sex’
40) On telling us to smile
Fun experiment: let’s all try telling strange men to ‘smile’ and report back our findings at the end of the week.
41) On sexist dress codes
That’s one way to trump the Trump.
43) On boringly misogynist assumptions
The power of a good hashtag is undeniable.
44) On social media trolls
Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to invite JK Rowling along.
45) On being asked to appear on live TV alongside Piers Morgan
Consider yourself owned, Morgan.
46) On everyone balking at the idea of an all-female Ghostbusters film
The woman is a genius.
47) On sexist social media comments
Yes. So much yes.
48) On the arrogance of men
It truly is, doesn’t it?
49) On 2017 in general
We guess there’s always a silver lining somewhere, if you look really, really, really hard for it…
50) On female dragonflies
We’ve literally never related to anything more.
51) On our reproductive choices
We couldn't have put it better ourselves.
52) And on those outdated gender narratives
We could use the money. Consider us commissioned, Alison Becker.