Warning: this article is dark and full of spoilers for ‘The Iron Throne’, aka the Game of Thrones finale, all of which are presented with zero context (primarily because I have never seen the show before therefore had no idea what was going on). So please don’t read on unless you have seen season eight, episode six of the HBO fantasy series, or the entire GoT episode will be ruined for you. Sorry not sorry.
I should probably start by saying that I am not a huge sci-fi fan: monsters, wizards and so on are just not my cup of tea. Also, the more people rave about things, the less interested I am in joining in the conversation. As such, I have never watched (or read) Harry Potter, I have no idea what Breaking Bad is about and I have definitely never had any intention of catching up with Game of Thrones.
But, for the last few months, staying out of GoT-related conversations at work, at home or even at the pub has been extremely difficult. And, even without watching it, I ended up knowing a fair bit about the show: that there is a lot of incest going on, that a lot of people die in every episode, and that, most importantly, there are not one but two queens fighting for the famous throne.
I might not be into sci-fi but I certainly love a good royal story (The Crown, anyone?). So, for the sake of seeing which Queen was finally going to sit on that ugly Iron Throne, I have watched the Game of Thrones finale. It was my first and last episode. And I had a lot of thoughts. So, without any further ado, here is everything that popped into my head while I was watching the GoT epilogue…
1) It’s not going too well, is it? Tyrion is just walking around a burnt down city. Is this what ‘winter’ is? Well, I guess winter came.
2) Oh, the hot dude is with him! Jon Snow, right?
3) LOL why do they speak like this? Literally what is this deep voice and weird accent, I don’t understand…is it supposed to be Irish?
4) Ok, I now understand that the two queens are against each other. Like a weird version of Mary Queen of Scots. I think I like the queen with the long hair better because, for a queen, Cersei’s castle is pretty shit. Also, literally nobody is in this country or planet or whatever this is supposed to be.
5) Tyrion found someone! OMG it’s the queen with the short hair!!! WTF?! She is dead and we’re only eight minutes into the episode? What is this? I mean, I don’t know anything about this but that seems unfair on the queen. I was expecting some sort of ultimate battle between the Queens like a badass fight for the throne. What am I even watching this for?
6) Ok, Maisie Williams is in da house. And THE DRAGONS! I don’t understand if people like the dragons or not. Jon Snow is difficult to read.
7) Ah, the other queen is alive, at least. Her army is pretty noisy. What the hell is she saying? Is this a real language? Hold on, she is like the bad guy in Avengers? Is she THANOS?! I don’t know if I like her anymore; maybe the other one was better. Lesson learned: never trust nice hair.
8) The tension is real. I’d like more dragons action to be honest.
9) I’m confused. So the Ice Queen got the throne that everybody wanted? And that’s it? Poor little Jon is so confused! Also, Jon has a “bastard’s name”, apparently… that queen is not very nice to him.
10) Oooh, it’s a love story!
11) Hold on…
12) WHAT?! YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING! I can’t believe he killed the queen, what a little bastard! I hope the dragon eats him.
13) The dragon is destroying the throne? I thought the bloody throne was the whole deal of the show?? This is messed up.
14) Who are these people in a circle? Oh, is this old man Scottish? I like that.
15) Can Sansa be the queen please? We need a queen, and I’ll be annoyed if we get a king.
16) Some real shade is going down here. Sansa is like “SHUT IT MAN, sit your ass down” to her uncle, apparently. I am liking this.
17) Oh god, someone suggested democracy and they laughed. Welcome to 2019, I guess.
18) I’m sorry, but why are we getting a random guy to be the king? This is stupid.
19) What is happening? I don’t understand… he’s king of everywhere, but not of the north? What’s “the north” anyway?
20) The silly intervals annoy me.
21) Ah, I think Jon Snow won’t have a great trip. Can he please stop with this voice he puts on? Also, all these siblings (JS, Sansa, Maisie and the new king) are clearly from another mister because they do not look alike. Sophie Turner is 50cm taller than anybody else, like, in the galaxy.
22) The new king looks smug. Maybe I like him, actually.
23) Ok now, bye Jonny.
24) Ah, the armour lady’s calligraphy skills are definitely better than mine. And I think she lied in the book? She is looking suspicious.
25) King ‘the Broken’? Seriously?!
26) Now they are talking about rebuilding brothels before ships. Is this an allegory of modern society of what?
27) I’m confused, is Sansa now the queen?
28) Ah! She is! A queen at last!
29) Wherever Jon is, it looks pretty cold. And I thought he was supposed to be isolated, but there are a lot of people with him. Is this another kingdom? I really don’t get what is supposed to happen to him.
After watching the finale, I have to admit that Game of Thrones didn’t do it for me. I think it’s a bit too weird and violent for my liking, but I could be tempted to go back and watch it all just to understand what the queens are all about. I still don’t get which one was the good queen, if there was ever a good one at all. Honestly though, I am pretty sure that this episode will remain my first and last forever.