As I got ready to meet up with my friends for dinner, I noticed something odd: butterflies in my stomach. The night was supposed to be a chance to catch up, to pore over what mattered and laugh at what didn’t, to let loose without the pressures of striving to fit in. It was meant to be our chance to belong.

But something wasn’t right. I’d had a suspicion that I had been growing distant from my friendship group and this sense of unease confirmed that. But while I recognised that I was now struggling to relate to my friends, I wasn’t ready to let them go. I wanted, desperately, to continue to fit in.

We are taught to crave belonging from our early years. In school, we were required to form groups for projects, compete to be selected for a revered sports team or encouraged to race out of the classroom to meet our favourite clique for outside play. And the older we get, and the more seasoned in our careers, we are positively reinforced to prove our connections to people and affiliations with organisations that give us a strong sense of importance. We spend so much of our lives chasing after our craving for connection and inclusion to something meaningful, deeply contrasting with our individualistic culture.

While belonging has become a social requirement that can make us feel empty without it or embarrassed to pursue it, our need to be a part of something meaningful is an innate human desire, stemming from our need for fulfilment and self-actualisation. Essentially, our environment has conditioned us to want to belong. But rather than embracing this innate need, we so often sink into shame when we realise that although ‘loving your own company’ is admired and celebrated, not feeling included quietly diminishes our sense of worth.

We all have a need to belong – here’s why, and 7 ways to foster connection