The authors of The Middle Class ABC, Zebedee Helm and Fi Cotter Craig, have devised this quiz so that you can discover your own levels of middle-classness.
1. It’s a Saturday afternoon in Spring and like many a good Middling you go to your local garden centre. An hour later what is in your trolley?
a) Box hedging plants, heritage vegetable seeds and a bag of John Innes no.2 bog-friendly compost.
b) A jacuzzi.
c) Courgette seeds, wind chimes and a concrete meerkat (chosen by the children).
d) Nothing, you spent the afternoon in the café drinking warm rosé.
2. It is your godson Archimedes’ Christening, what do you take as his christening present?
a) An engraved silver napkin ring and set of matching shirt studs.
b) A track day at Silverstone and a Manchester United season ticket.
c) A homemade pot with his name and Christening date in ‘crackle glaze’.
d) A half drunk (by you in the car on the way to the Christening) bottle of vintage port for him to ‘lay down’ until he’s 18.
3. You are having a kitchen supper with some chums, what do you serve them?
a) Smoked salmon (caught by you), roast grouse (shot by you), baby heritage broad beans (from the garden) and sloe gin. It will all be cooked in the Aga so you won’t actually eat until midnight.
b) You don’t know. You have paid Jamie Oliver to come and cook it for you and left the menu up to him, apart from a request for chips.
c) A medley of vegetables (mainly courgettes) from the allotment, couscous (an Ottolenghi recipe) and a free range chicken from the farmers market which you will tell everyone how incredibly expensive it was, you just had no idea, but doesn’t it taste better than the normal ones? All of which you’ll serve on mismatched antique china.
d) What was billed as a kitchen supper will in fact become a make your own cocktail night. After an hour of mixing gin/tequila/scotch and Dubonnet no one will want anything to eat. If they insist, hand them the jar of Tesco value cocktail cherries.
4. Congratulations you have won a Labrador puppy in a raffle at your local gastro pub, what do you do?
a) Name him Hugh and send him off for gun dog training.
b) Buy him a diamond studded collar from Harrods and give him to your godson Archimedes.
c) Name him Dave, feed him a vegetarian diet from allotment leftovers and suffer the consequences until you ‘win’ some WW2 gas masks on eBay.
d) Celebrate hard for the rest of the night in the pub until closing time when you have to give back the dog to pay off your bar tab.
5. Extraordinarily it’s a sunny day, and to celebrate you decide to go on a picnic. What do you take with you?
a) A proper old hamper, a moth eaten rug, grouse sandwiches and some commemorative tin plates from the Boer War.
b) Thankfully Carluccios do a tasting menu picnic for just such occasions.
c) Nothing apart from a copy of Food For Free and a trowel: you will be foraging for your lunch.
d) Three bottles of prosecco and a winebox of rosé.
6. Sadly your parents have just died peacefully in their sleep (carbon monoxide poisoning from the ill-advised use of a pre war paraffin heater). You get to the house before your siblings, what loot do you remove?
a) The Gainsborough (still not officially attributed) and as much of the solid silver as is decent, (leaving the electroplated stuff for the others) and an enormous Hepplethwat sideboard. You care not that your sister will never speak to you again, life without possession of that sideboard would be unthinkable.
b) Nothing, it’s all ancient tat, you start a large bonfire in the garden.
c) The swingball set, ah those salad days of long shadows and swingball.
d) The crystal decanters, which annoyingly you drop when you slip down the stairs while investigating if there’s a decent drop of something left in the wine cellar.
7. The probate has been paid off and you have a bit of cash. A holiday is in order, where do you choose to go and what do you pack?
a) BudJet airline to Puglia on a watercolour and cookery course holiday. Panama hat and plenty of linen.
b) Learjet to Barbados. Golf clubs.
c) Glamping in Dorset. Crocks, fun wellies and a ukulele.
d) Calais in a van. Two corkscrews.
8. Annoyingly a distant relative has arrived from foreign lands. They want to see a bit of London. Where do you take them?
a) Tate Modern, mainly for the building which is great fun! The art’s an acquired taste though.
b) That restaurant on the top of The Shard if it’s open yet. They can see all of London they could possibly want from up there.
c) To Borough Market, then Frisbee in the Park.
d) Gordons Wine Bar.
9. An impoverished relation is spending Christmas with you and buys you a lottery ticket as your present. It so happens you win the jackpot, what do you do?
a) Breathe a sigh of relief: you’ll be able to carry on living in the Big House, re-do the roof, turn the Aga back on and pay the school fees.
b) Rush out and buy the first stately home on the market and get all your designer clothes copied in colourful tweed.
c) Start your own donkey/elephant sanctuary after buying flats for Godwit, Panda and Thebes. You also give your impoverished relation 50% of your winnings.
d) Close your overdrawn account at Majestic and open one at Berry Brothers & Rudd. Oh, and buy your own distillery/vineyard/brewery.
10. You have exhausted your options for church schools, grammar schools, scholarships and bursaries and you either have to dig deep and send Ptolemy and Ptarmigan, the Ptwins, to private school or risk the Ofsted Watch list local comprehensive.
a) They go to the comp where, because all their classmates are either excluded, truanting, or doing time in Borstal so they have the teachers to themselves and get exhibitions to Oxford and Cambridge.
b) Spend the same as it would have cost to send them to Eton but because none of your ancestors went there you couldn’t get them on the list so they go to another public school which doesn’t have a pudding named after it, where they fail to get any A Stars, but discover the joys of substance abuse.
c) One of you gives up your job in the library and home-schools the kids.
d) Local comp but you start taking them to the pub with you to teach them "life skills".
11. How you recycle says as much about what sort of Middling you are as what you call your children. What do you do with your old clothes?
a) Cover them in mothballs and put them in a steamer trunk in the attic. In a couple of generations time your grandchildren will be wearing them in the same way that you rarely out of your grandparents tweed.
b) They are all designer so you keep them for three years and then take them round to the second hand clothes shop where you sell them at a nice profit as ‘vintage’.
c) You wear them till they can’t be patched any more and then use them to dress the scarecrow and as compost filler on the allotment.
d) Getting dressed and undressed wastes valuable drinking time so you haven’t taken your clothes off for years.
12. Your brothers and sisters have had multiple children and now they are in their teens you are inundated with requests to help them with ‘work experience’. What can you offer them?
a) Two weeks helping the under-keeper with the gralloching and grouse cleaning.
b) Two weeks internship in the Cayman Islands’ branch of your Hedge Fund.
c) Two weeks basket stacking in your organic, sustainable Fairtrade shop in a quiet county town.
d) Two weeks (at least) clearing the empties out of your basement and taking them to the recycling depot of course.
13. Its summer so it’s festival season. What are you planning to do?
a) Open the Park as usual and ask Glyndebourne Touring Opera to come and headline.
b) You are on the Glasto Priority Booking List and have already put down a deposit on your 'Yurt with Butler and Helicopter' package and backstage passes.
c) There’s a sweet, small, family-friendly, totally organic, bio-compost-fueled festival within walking distance so we simply can’t wait!
d) There’s always a cracking beer tent at the village fete and a fun Dixieland band.
14. Nowadays going for a walk isn’t enough if you are middle class. It needs to be activity-driven and the most popular walking activity is foraging. What do you set off to forage with?
a) A plastic bag full of holes.
b) A spanking new designer foraging outfit complete with jacket with mushroom pockets, sorrel nets, wild garlic belts and Ray Mears.
c) A hemp sack made from recycled locally sourced electric cable and a wetsuit in case there is an opportunity for some wild swimming.
d) Only in search of sloes or damsons to make gin or vodka.
15. Some showy-offy friends have insisted on taking you to an expensive restaurant for your birthday. How do you feel?
a) Thrilled. You will be able to pinch some more of their fun little coffee cups or shot glasses to add to your collection of ‘restaurant finds’.
b) Irritated. You ‘discovered’ that restaurant, went to the opening night, know the menu inside out and are on first name terms with the maitre d and like to ‘host’ the evening whenever you are there.
c) Worried. You’re not at all sure the fish is from sustainable sources. You read something on Hugh’s Fish Fight website which pretty much said it wasn’t.
d) In training. It has the best wine list in London.
16. You are spending the weekend with friends in their Poshwolds second home. Annoyingly someone you recently had an affair with is staying too. How do you react?
a) Brazen it out by announcing to everyone that yes, you have met before, had a passionate affair and in fact have several children together.
b) Pretend you have never met before and spend suspicious amounts of time having whispered heated conversations full of recrimination.
c) Gather everyone together before dinner and make a full and frank confession, swear it will never happen again and beg forgiveness.
d) Suddenly develop a serious illness, disappear to your room for the whole weekend with the Duty Free gin you bought as a house present.