STAYING POWER

The message that quitting is wrong is particularly ingrained in the female psyche. “Women have developed biologically to have and raise children, and that means they have to be present – they can’t leave on a whim,” says Dr Gilmour. “This can translate as being less impulsive in other areas of life; they may think harder and longer [than men] before making a change.” But, says Dr Paul Gilbert, professor of clinical psychology at the University of Derby, we all focus on saving face, even if the price we pay is very high. “A lot of our behaviour is about maintaining reputation in front of our family, friends and work colleagues. We don’t want to appear to lack qualities like determination and courage, and we’re also scared to ‘chicken out’ of situations that are considered so vital by society. But if we’re not careful we become puppets and our life is not our own. We need to realise we don’t have to be approved of all the time.”

One key motivation to digging our heels into a job which doesn’t satisfy us any more or a friendship which feels flat can be traced back to our evolutionary past. “Humans have three emotion systems – the threat system, which comes into play when we’re under stress and is governed by the hormone adrenaline; the drive system, which is stimulated by money and success, prompting drug-like hits of dopamine; and the calm system, which is linked to positive emotions and relationships, and causes the release of feelgood endorphins and the bonding hormone oxytocin,” explains Dr Gilbert. The problem in our Western society, he says, is that our relative affluence means we’re no longer fuelled by the threat instinct – the physical danger from fighting predators and, as our society has become more fragmented and we are more self sufficient, we lack the calming benefits that come from a wider sense of community. So we have come to value the drive system above all others, and we fulfil this instinct by fighting as hard as we can for the visible signs: money and success. This means we get a short-term high from a pay rise but become disconnected from people and situations that create a sense of meaning in our lives. There are other barriers to quitting. Dr Gilmour believes we’re deeply suspicious of those who reject the norm.

“There is a fear of stepping off the prescribed route. It creates a social stigma – it’s OK to downshift to the Cotswolds; not to step blindly off the property or career ladder, or leave a ‘perfect’ relationship for single life.” And then there are personal fears and failings. “We don’t want to admit that our friends were right about our husband; we feel anxiety about the unknown; or simply succumb to inertia,” says Dr Gilmour. “But the biggest problem is what I call ‘the gambler’s fallacy’ – the idea that we’ve invested so much in a situation, we can’t give up now.”

Quitting becomes even more difficult when we’re about to do it. Not only are women more conscious of our emotional investment in something than men but we actually change the way we process information as we reach the point of quitting. So we start by considering what bankers would call a ‘cost vs benefit analysis’ of our job or our relationship – does the fact he’d make a great dad and earns a good salary, say, make up for the fact that there’s no spark? Does the stability of a job make up for the fact it’s making us unmotivated? Then, as leaving seems more likely, we switch to thinking it would be a better bet to stay; if we invest a little more effort, surely the payoff will happen this time. “The risk is that you wake up one day and realise you’ve been funding this slot machine and you’ve run out of money,” says Dr Gilmour.

Keep calm and don't carry on