A battle-scarred bridesmaid has blown the whistle on outlandish demands made by a high-maintenance bride who told her chosen friends, ‘No-one can be skinnier than me.’
They include diktats on weight, hairstyles, tattoos and even sun exposure – lest there be unsightly tan lines on the big day.
Any aberrations are punishable with “banishment” from the bridal party, not to mention many additional emails from the bride.
Obviously at this stage we’d be opting for banishment.
Six months before the wedding day the bride issued a 10-point list, cunningly adopting a faux tongue-in-cheek tone to prove she’s honestly not setting the tone for a domineering takeover of her friends’ lives.
The list parodies just about every horror story bridezilla cliché imaginable and she ends her staggering list of despotic demands with a “Just kidding ... Sorta.” But it’s too late. She’s already established a sinister undercurrent of “I’m deadly serious”.
Here’s the list in all its bonkers glory...
Welcome to my bridal party. I thought today would be a great day to start this chain, as it is officially six months until my wedding day.
- Weigh-ins will begin in 3 weeks. I for one would really like some time after Thanksgiving to make my body forget about what it consumed, so I thought I would give you guys some cushion room
- No-one can be skinner than the bride. That means Kelly and Lizzie will be on a protein weight gainer diet exclusively until May. I will have the nutritionist call you to discuss diet plans.
- Bed times leading up to the wedding will be strictly enforced. I absolutely cannot have you all have saggy, baggy eyes. I am sure you all understand.
- Swimwear attire: I would like everyone to wear matching bikinis that have rhinestones on the tushie spelling out "maids," which brings me to my next point.
- All bikinis leading up to the wedding must be strapless bandeaus. I cannot have terrible tan lines in strapless dresses.
- Sunscreen: We need to make sure you ladies look lovely and radiant and not red and reptile like. Pack accordingly.
- Speeches: We all know what happened at Taylor's wedding. So if you plan to make a toast, please submit it for approval and revision, no later than 4 weeks prior to the wedding.
- Hair cuts: If you plan on chopping off your locks, please submit your proposed new look prior to any actions (this applies to colouring as well).
- Attendance: is strongly requested at all events but I will make some exceptions on a case by case basis.
- Ink: Consider this a moratorium on future tattoos until June 5th. Those of you with visible artwork will be privately contacted with (temporary) removal instructions.
Should everyone abide by these minor requests, I am sure we will all have a memorable weekend. Just kidding bitches, well, sorta. love you all.
Yeah, she’s totally sorta not kidding too.
This bride has been on an overthinking binge. She’s anticipated the horror of tan lines in her wedding pictures and absolutely does not want her bridesmaids’ skin spoiling the look of those dresses. She has seen speeches go wrong at other weddings and is subtly warning her bridesmaids that she does not want this for herself.
She’s aware she’s being ridiculous - hence the “jokes” - yet at the same time she really does want full attendance at her dress fittings, rehearsal dinners, make-up trials...
We can only hope the weigh-ins and nutritionist comments are not for real. But then, stylist.co.uk’s own pro-bridesmaid Kayleigh Dray has experienced a bride’s target weight demands and hair growth requests.
The bride in the emails continues her six-month torment of her maids in follow-up emails filled with ‘lighthearted’ admonishments over unapproved hairstyle changes she’s spotted in pictures online, as well as reminders of weight management. She signs off her missives “Queen Bee” and nicknames her maids “my faithful bees.”
“I am preferential to blonde hair (with the exception of Lizzie & Holly who I think are better with darker locks),” she says in one email.
In others she brings up the weigh-in rule as a reminder of how much she really isn’t being one of those ridiculous brides.
I would also appreciate it if everyone incorporated arm workouts into their daily routine... Remember no pashminas, just long and slender arms!!!
The anonymous tipster told Gawker that in fact one bridesmaid was asked to wear a pashmina on the day itself, “to cover her 'fat arms.'"
We can only hope this is all one big hoax but too many all-too true horror stories suggests it most probably isn't.
Images: Rex Features, iStock