Potatoes

Any hobbit worth their salt knows potatoes are the most versatile of carbohydrates. Think about it: you can boil ‘em, mash ‘em, and stick ‘em in a stew. But be careful where you store yours: we wouldn’t like to see you buried alive in an avalanche of Maris Pipers now, would we?

Rice and pasta

Every friendship group has one – the “mature, responsible adult” that can be counted on to keep everyone alive against all odds when happy hour turns into an all-night shit show. You remember everyone’s birthday without the help of Facebook. You buy thoughtful gifts for no reason. And you’re stockpiling basic necessities like pasta and rice. Of course you are. But maybe stop worrying about how you’re going to feed all your pals when they come tap-tap-tapping at your door during the quarantine, and start thinking about all those poor sods who can’t get their hands on one bag of dried goods (let alone 20).

Dettol wipes

Ah, we know you. You’re the one who lives and dies by Marie Kondo, makes up their bed every single day without fail, spends a lot of time scrolling through the home decor section of Pinterest, folds up blankets after use, and fixes the pillows on the couch. So, when you go to work in your busy office, you do so armed with antibacterial wipes. Ain’t nobody leaving germs all over your desk, damn it.

Panic-buying home truths: what your shame hoard says about you