Still, it's difficult to weed out all those lifelong assumptions.

It helps that my fiancé, Rory, is wedding-clueless. A blank canvas when it comes to expectations, his bemusement serves as the perfect indicator for whenever we're off track. “What do you mean, we have to pretend to sign the register for a photo?” he asks. “Why do we have to cut the cake together? Why can't we walk down the aisle hand-in-hand? Who's making these rules up anyway?”

If these things have significance to the couple, then fine, but to us, they are meaningless; as poignant and enchanting as Brussels sprouts in December. A little dusty, a little out of date.

If there are speeches, then give me the floor. I don't want to be ‘given away’ by a man that barely knows me, passed on to new ownership like a part-used car. I’d rather dance in a big spinning circle with all of my friends than shuffle through the cringe-fest of a DIY Strictly first dance. And if a room full of adults cannot seat themselves amicably without place cards and table numbers, then we’ve already gone way off path.

How to plan an unwedding – for the bride less conventional