A study says that being organised and booking it in will lead to more orgasms. To which we say: to each their own
I can’t believe that I have to write this in the year 2018 of our Lord but, here we go: casual sex is great.
When did everyone stop loving one night stands? When did we all, collectively, decide that a spontaneous night with someone you only just met, who you know absolutely nothing about other than the crucial points – that they exist, and they’re in front of you, and they’re keen – was a waste of time? When did we decide to vote shagging off the island?
A new study from Ruhr University in Germany has revealed that, according to a survey group of 1,000 mostly heterosexual couples, the best sex was planned sex, facilitated by conscientious, highly-organised people.
“High conscientiousness can be especially beneficial,” the study posed, “when it comes to putting effort into a satisfying sexual life. Or to postpone one’s own needs and interests to focus on resolving a sexual problem within the context of committed, long-term relationships.”
The reason scheduled sex is so great, the study argued, was that being regular and sticking to an evening romp routine was more likely to be satisfying in the longterm. One night of passion is a flash in the pan but a lifetime of locked-in, iCal-prescribed sex every Tuesday between the hours of nine and ten, with a Sunday morning session every fortnight, well… That’s true ecstasy.
There’s nothing wrong with the concept of scheduled sex per se. As the study found, having scheduled sex was often the result of open, honest communication about sex, which is part of what made the participants’ sex lives better. Over time, this breeds intimacy and trust, which then feeds back into the great sex matrix to make sure that each partner knows what they like and what they want, communicates it succinctly, and is getting exactly that. Everyone is satisfied.
Fine! That’s fine. For those who can have scheduled sex and who are in relationships with loving partners with whom they can have dialogues about their desires and needs.
But what about the rest of us?
Just because you don’t have a longterm partner doesn’t mean that you can’t find true intimacy, satisfaction, openness – and orgasms! Don’t forget about those! – from sex.
When done right, casual sex can make you feel many of the same things that sex with a longterm partner can make you feel. If you set your expectations from the start and know exactly what you want, you’ll feel even better when you get it.
But what is it that you want? Do you want orgasms? Swarms of them, herds of them, mad, teeming masses of them? Then you might be disappointed. A casual sex partner won’t know your body as well as a longterm partner – and certainly not as well as you do – and might not be able to get you there. But if you just want to have a great time then you might be in luck.
We’re living in an age of overwhelming sexual pressure dominated by confusing, competing messages.
Sex is best when it’s efficient and regular. No, it’s better when you’re having heaps and heaps of it and it’s wild and crazy and mind-numbing. It’s best when you watch a lot of porn, or none at all, or feminist porn, or whatever porn you please, or one specific kind of porn but you think about it all the time. Sex needs to end in orgasm in order to be good. Great sex doesn’t need an orgasm at all.
All this prognosticating is so profoundly unsexy that it turns something that should be fun and flirty and exciting into a contest in which it can feel like everyone is peering into each other’s windows to find out how much sex eveyone else is having. (And what kind, and when, and for how long, and with what external aids…)
Sex isn’t a competition. There isn’t just one kind of good sex.
But if this study wants to argue that the best kind comes from regularly scheduling orgasms into your daily routine then there’s really only one thing to do about it.
If you’re single and you’re not in a longterm relationship with a partner with whom you can schedule sex, then schedule it with the person you’ll always be in the longest relationship with: yourself. Be conscientious about it, be organised, be thorough and be open. Find out what you like and what you don’t. Discover the depths of your desires and wants and needs.
And then go out and have sex, scheduled or otherwise, with whoever you damn please.