Let’s admit it, sex chat is the best chat: the inaudible glee that erupts from a table of women when one of them is willing to dish the dirt on their sex life is undeniable.
And, whether you’re a Samantha or a Charlotte, everyone loves being granted a peek inside someone else’s bedroom antics.
But when you’ve exhausted the sauce talk from your gal pals, your work wife and your housemates, who’s left to give you the gossip you so crave?
We’ll tell you who: the people of Reddit, obviously.
Read more: Who’s having normal sex?
Maintaining their privacy with a series of hilariously odd usernames, these men and women have laid themselves bare (almost literally) for our education and entertainment, detailing some of the most ridiculous things that have ever happened to them in bed.
It all kicked off when Reddit user Dafuuuuq asked the internet at large: “What is a big NO-NO during intercourse?”
Cue a plethora of anecdotes, ranging from the practical (never handle spicy peppers before handling genitals) to the downright bizarre (two words: circus music).
We’ve rounded up just a few of our favourites, and we hope that none of these have happened to you. If they have, though, fancy going for a drink after work and spilling the details...?
1) Gauge your dirty talk success rate
If talking dirty is your vice, go forth and be filthy you little minx – but just make sure the receiver is on the same page. Because. as clockworkwalrus knows, if they’re not it can kind of kill the mood.
“My boyfriend asked me ‘How much cock do you want?’ or something along those lines,” the Reddit user recalls. “I think he wanted me to say ‘all of it’ but I took him seriously, thought about it, and said ‘three quarters’.”
2) Judge your orifices
We’re hoping most of you know this one already, but, unfortunately, Bobulance found out the hard way: “The belly button may look like a good entry point. BUT IT ISN'T.”
3) This is not the time for reminiscing
We feel for you Gortonannoymous. No one wants an overload of information in the bedroom, let alone this kind: “I don’t want to hear you talking about past hookups with previous partners while we’re having sex. Like, ‘Oh hey, this reminds me of this one time where...’
“NO, STOP – I DON'T NEED TO KNOW!”
4) Stick with sexy background music
Music can really help to set the scene of seduction: think Barry White, Marvin Gaye, Billie Holliday, and anyone with a soulful, sensual voice.
What doesn’t feel as intimate, however, is medieval battle cries, clanking swords, and GOT spoilers.
Yup, KarmaKrave (unsurprisingly) finds it hard to get in the mood when their partner “turns on Game of Thrones to use as background noise” – particularly as they’re such a fan of the HBO show.
“I'm sorry,” they admit, “but I'm gonna keep looking at the television especially if I keep hearing moans, battle scenes and climactic music.”
5) It can be hot, but not that hot
We’re all for christening every room in the house, but only go for the kitchen if you can be trusted to keep your hands out the spice drawer. “Touching your wife after handling spices and peppers [is the most intense kind of pain ever],” says Soemthingsomething69.
6) Keep the small talk to a minimum
The phrase “going on holiday anywhere this year?” is the sort of small talk we expect from our hairdresser, not our lover. Especially when we’re in the process of making the two-backed monster.
“Please don't ask me what the weather is like right now,” pleads praisecarcinoma.
7) Leave flirty bullying in the playground
Banter can be used to show all levels of affection, but directly taking the mickey out of someone’s sex noises is probably a surefire way to never hear them again. Ever.
Reddit user Sashdoes advises that, “if you're a guy having sex with a girl, imitating her high-pitched moans after might seem funny. However it is, in actual fact, a very bad idea.”
8) Playing your genitals like a musical instrument
LikeaLioness admits that “squeezing your vagina to the beat of a song and asking your partner to guess the song” didn’t go down as well as she had hoped.
9) Anything to do with clowns
Clowns tend to be more scary than sexy, unless you’re SqeeSqee, who somehow managed to make them work.
“Playing circus clown music proved to be a winner,” they explain. “It resulted in 10 minutes of her laughing harder than I've seen in a long time – and, after all the laughing we had the best sexy times.
“She was quick to point out that it was my ability to still catch her off guard after all these years together really turned her on. Not the music.”
10) Remember, this is a two player game
In our book it ain’t over until we’re both finished, so we can see why Depressedboy2’s post-coital exclamation didn’t go too well. That’s right, his partner’s world wasn’t rocked when he shouted, "MISSION FAILED, WE'LL GET HER NEXT TIME", at the top of his lungs. Big surprise, right?
Images: HBO / Rex