Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, is the co-author of Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, And Finding Joy (WH Allen, £16.99). She tells Stylist how to talk to someone who is grieving

After Dave died, what did your friends do that really helped?
The best thing my friends did was just be with us, whatever that meant at that particular moment. When I sobbed, they held me. When I had nothing to say, they sat with me quietly. When my kids wanted to talk about Dave, they joined in the reminiscing with gusto. When I couldn’t quite deal with a logistical hurdle – like who would fill in for Dave at a father-child school event – they figured it out for me. Again and again, they showed up and they keep showing up. Thanks to them, I know that even though my kids and I don’t have Dave, we are never alone.

People’s response to grief is often to remove themselves from that person’s life as they either don’t know what to say or don’t want to intrude: why is this not the right thing to do?
It turns out that resilience isn’t just built in individuals, it’s also built among individuals – in our families, our workplaces and our communities. The experiences we share, the stories we tell, the identity that we forge together – all of it helps make us stronger. So as difficult or awkward as it might be to reach out to a grieving friend, I urge you to do it – and not just once, but again and again. You don’t have to say anything profound or do anything heroic. Just say that you’re there for them. Take something off their to-do list – even something small, like taking the trash out or swinging by the store to grab milk. I promise it helps.

How did your colleagues react when you went back to work?
No one said anything terrible. It was more what people didn’t say. Before losing Dave, I often didn’t do this well. I’d say “I’m so sorry you’re going through this” – once. Then I’d never mention it again. I didn’t want to remind them of what they were going through. I know now that it’s not possible to remind people that they just lost a spouse or got diagnosed with cancer. It’s always on their mind.

What helped you?
When Mark [Zuckerberg] or a colleague would say, “You made a great point in that meeting” or “I’d love your thoughts on this”. Now, when someone at work is dealing with a tragedy, I know how important it is to give them time off and help them with their work if they need a break, but also to treat them as a regular member of the team, by praising them when they do good work or even offering them projects you think they’d be interested in. Showing them you believe in them can help build their confidence back up – something I really needed.

How did your experience change your own response to other people’s grief?
I check in more regularly. I no longer say, “I know it’s going to be OK”, because a lot of the time you don’t. What I say now is, “I’m here for you no matter what happens.” That acknowledges their pain in a more realistic way and I think it makes people feel less alone. It did for me.

What are the best things we can say to a friend when they are in the first throes of grief?
I can’t speak for everyone, but for me it was, “We will get through this together.” Not “You will get through this”, but “We will get through this”. Through this tragedy, I learned the amazing power of the word “we”.

How important is listening and just being present?
Very! Too often we search for that perfect thing to say or do, when what our grieving friends need to know is that we’re there for them and they aren’t alone. That matters more than anything.

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