So many times we think there is a fence blocking us from that better job, that business deal, or the arrangement we want most with our partners. But I’ve found that when I poke at that fence, it’s usually just an illusion, like the perceived rule that I have to be at the office to work.

The universe is way more malleable than we think. You just have to learn to prod the right spots and in the right way, and it will give.

Here are the rules I’ve learned about the art of asking:

1. Start with why. Your first step is to find the overlap between what you want most and what the person who can give it to you wants most. Make that the basis for your request. In his wonderful TED Talk, Simon Sinek talks about how leaders urge people to act. He says to give them a 'why' behind the plan, a reason for it, and this reason will urge the people you want to say 'Yes' and act in your favor. The why is attached to our emotional core, Sinek says, which is why we should go for the deepest reason first. For my boss, I started with the idea that I wanted to work for the company for a long time. For him then, the why was the benefit of knowing that my position was covered, and they wouldn’t have to replace me.

2. Frame the question in your favour. Even if the person you’re asking stands to lose something, frame the question in a positive way. The way I framed my request was that I would save an hour and a half commute each day I worked from home, and that would make my job more sustainable through the grad school program I was starting (another hint-hint: I won’t quit any time soon). I didn’t highlight that they would lose face-time with me or that I would miss meetings. I kept it positive and focused on what they stood to gain from it.

The Art of Asking: how to get people to say yes to everything you want