Julie goes to extreme measures to avoid the hairdresser's interrogation into her holiday plans

a fine art

But back in that room of strangers small talk doesn’t always come easily, even if it is snowing in June. And as you struggle to find one interesting anecdote to engage a group of associates (you can only comment on the ‘originality’ of the canapés so many times), it’s easy to be envious of your colleagues or friends who can strike up conversation with ease. But just because they have lots to say, it doesn’t mean those people are any more comfortable than you. “If I’m feeling awkward, I will start talking and I won’t stop until I can guarantee I won’t have to deal with a second of awkward silence,” says one Stylist staffer. “It’s a problem in itself, because I’ll end up sharing secrets I’m not supposed to, or putting myself down, all to avoid making someone feel uncomfortable.” Finding the middle ground – not being mute and not being the very opposite of mute – is a talent and just like a musical instrument, it’s a hard thing to learn if you’re not a natural.

It is worth learning though, as having an accomplished grasp of small talk is an advantage if you want to succeed both socially and professionally. Being able to strike up an instant rapport with everyone from the receptionist at your dentist to a potential employer has widereaching benefits. If you’re so crippled by the fear of being stuck for something to say that you spend an entire networking event hovering at the back of the room or will only attend a party accompanied by a friend, you’re missing out on a whole ream of opportunities.

“Being able to make small talk can help you to create connections of all kinds,” says Gill Hasson, author of Brilliant Communication Skills. “It can open doors to all sorts of people and possibilities. Small talk can lead to big talk, which can lead to big people, and big opportunities.”

The Queen of Small Talk is, fittingly, the Queen – a skill she has honed over decades of state functions and library openings. Apparently a favourite line is, “Have you come far?” which has the dual advantage of being universal and giving the other person the impression that she is interested in them. She has become an expert in speaking without expressing an opinion, although even now she occasionally slips up – recently BBC journalist Frank Gardner ran into trouble for reporting a comment she’d made about Abu Hamza.

Gordon Brown, on the other hand, was legendarily hopeless at small talk, as was the late Baroness Thatcher, of whom historian Andrew Roberts wrote in The Telegraph: “She had absolutely no small talk. Her idea of a greeting was: “‘Hello Andrew, what do you think about what the UN is doing in Srebrenica?’ This could be unnerving when one was mentally preparing an anodyne remark about the weather, but it did save time.”

But it’s not only those in high office who need to hone their small-talking skills. “Small talk serves as an appetiser,” says Debra Fine, author of The Fine Art of Small Talk. “If you start with small talk a deeper relationship may develop – business, social or romantic. It’s the beginning of them all.”

One of the oddities of small talk is that it’s not necessarily about being a good talker. “People who are good at small talk have good interpersonal skills. They know how to warm the tone of their voice and use eye contact enough that you show you’re interested,” says social psychologist, Laura Smith.

They also know when to stop. “Good small talkers know how to manage the rhythm of conversation,” says communications coach Mary Hartley. “They don’t ask a lot of yes/ no questions, they ask open-ended questions, and they’re not afraid of silences which often give the other person time to think.”

It might be tempting to loiter in the corner at a work party, but small talk clearly shows friendly intentions – and who doesn’t want to be around people who are pleasant? Secondly, it communicates mood which is enormously useful when meeting people you don’t know. And thirdly, it sets the groundwork should you want to converse on more serious matters.

“Some people complain that small talk is superficial, but it’s more likely that they just don’t know the ground rules, the topics to pick and those to avoid,” says Dr Wood. “Other people are just nervous about any kind of social encounter.”

But is small talk destined to be a painful process for the one in three of us who describe ourselves as introverts? A recent study showed that the naturally introverted feel exhausted after small talk with one in five admitting to not speaking to a stranger for over six months and one in four workers claiming they’d rather get straight down to business than make conversation first. Indeed, it can be all too easy to build the fear of small talk into a phobia of unfamiliar social situations.

The sad fact is that not all of us are born with the smalltalk gene. “Small talk doesn’t come easily to all of us,” says Hasson. “Often, the fear of coming across as fake, dull or stupid makes it difficult to find your courage and initiate contact, let alone maintain a conversation.”

The art of smalltalk