From the impact the weather has on, well, everything, to weird food cravings, these are the most annoying things that winter brings according to comedian Stevie Martin and her solutions to each…
You’ll often find yourself doing a rain dance come September to ask the sky gods to please let you have a night of sleep without having the fan on.
But by the time we’re in the depths of winter, not even counting down to Christmas in October can make us optimistic about the season. Call me decidedly British, but these are the things I find most annoying about winter and my well-thought out solutions to my biggest gripes.
1. You’re always wearing the wrong clothes
There are many truths I now know to be lies, and “wear warm clothes in winter” is one of them.
While it seems like the obvious thing to do, whenever you try to go anywhere during winter it turns into a very conservative repetitive striptease that involves slowly taking all your clothes off on a train because the central heating is making you sweat buckets, and then putting everything back on after stepping off said train so you don’t freeze to death.
There was a woman once (me), who took her sweater off in the middle of Shaftesbury Avenue to prepare to go into a horribly warm office and only realised when the thing was over her head that she wasn’t wearing anything underneath it.
It’s said she still thinks about it approximately two to three times per day.
Stop. Buying. Thick. Jumpers. And learn to layer. Shirts under jumpers so the collar pokes out like Wednesday Adams, but crucially can be removed without nudity. A thin top, under a thin cardigan, under a thicker cardigan, under a coat.
The colour issue is worrying if you have no artistic taste (like me), but buy grey, black and white winter clothing. That way everything matches. And you can wear a red bag or something if you’re concerned people will mistake you for their own shadow.
2. Your glasses steam up and actually it’s not funny
If you’re a glasses wearer, you’ll be well versed in delighting your friends and family by instantly steaming up in warm rooms. Or in any picturesque situation, like sipping a hot chocolate in Winter Wonderland.
“Oh!” people cry “Look at your glasses!” while you laugh good-naturedly, wipe your lenses and wonder how you can passive aggressively take revenge and ruin the rest of the evening for them.
In a word (or three), Acuvue contact lenses. You might be very suspicious at first; you’ll be so conditioned to expect instant steaming, don’t be surprised to find yourself lifting a cloth to your face, dabbing at phantom condensation that isn’t actually there.
I even tried opening very hot oven doors, but nothing happens. I mean, people say things like “why do you keep checking your oven chips and cheering”, but at least nothing steams up.
Suddenly you can see clearly - the best Christmas present of all! Apart from a Chocolate Orange, obviously.
3. You get weird and constant cravings
I’m very much of the opinion that you should eat what you like. However, when the temperature drops it can’t be healthy to only eat potatoes.
But that’s what I do. We’re talking potato waffles for breakfast, jacket potato for lunch, mashed potato for dinner - except during the festive season, where I enjoy roasties and mashed potato. What if I get rickets? What if I don’t make it through the winter, because of the lack of vitamins in my body?
I know potatoes have some good stuff in them, but nothing is positive when consumed at this frequency. Not even kale. I used to actually like making kale chips in the oven - until it hit sub zero, and now I’ve swapped them for potato chips.
If you find yourself only wanting potatoes (or, insert your craving of choice here) during winter, try forcing yourself to be more creative while satisfying the urge to be very full and very happy.
For example: I’ve learned how to make leek and potato soup. Still potato-ey, but there’s a leek in it, for anyone unsure as to the components of such a meal.
Add an egg and some avocado to your waffle and you won’t go grey. Also try recreating food you get all the time while out and about, like burrito bowls and pad thai rather than not thinking about it until you get home, panic about what to have, open the cupboard, see a potato and cook it.
4. Your hair always looks stupid
Many winter frustrations are appearance-based. Rain-spattered glasses. Nuclear-red cheeks. The hair you get when you combine big faux fur coats with a hood and a beanie on very cold days.
Everyone loves a beanie, until they have to take them off and conduct meetings or social events where photos may be taken. The other day I saw the back of my head in a photo and didn’t recognise myself.
The woman I was looking at had the hair of a scarecrow. She had clearly never seen, or been in the same room as, a brush.
One option a friend pointed out to me after I screamed ‘Why does my hair do that?!’ during a quiet brunch, is to use some form of frizz-ease serum. Then swap the rainy specs for contact lenses, and you can revel in a practically weather-proof look.
I can also recommend brushing your hair before putting the hat on, something I have never thought about until recently.
Want to see everything clearly this winter? Get a free trial* of ACUVUE® Contact Lenses by visiting acuvue.co.uk.
* Please note professional eye examination and fitting fees may apply. UK residents 18 or over only. One trial per person. Eligibility subject to optician approval. Participating opticians only.
All ACUVUE® Brand Contact Lenses have UV Blocking to help provide protection against transmission of harmful UV radiation to the cornea and into the eye. UV absorbing contact lenses are NOT substitutes for protective UV absorbing eyewear such as UV absorbing goggles or sunglasses because they do not completely cover the eye and surrounding area. You should continue to use UV absorbing eyewear as directed by your eye care professional
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