When you join the bachelorette party WhatsApp group, you win or you die…
Game of Thrones may be over, but its legacy will live undoubtedly live on forever. And, while many may prefer to focus on the dragons, and the magic, and the endless wars, we personally reckon the majority of our post-GoT mourning period will be taken up by the plethora of brilliant characters it brought to our screens. Characters who, if we’re completely honest, seem to have been based on the real, actual people we interact with on a daily basis.
And so, as we embrace wedding season in earnest, we’ve decided to identify the GoT characters you will meet at any one of the gazillion hen parties you’re invited to this year. As ever, though, a word of caution: this article is dark and full of spoilers. Do not read on unless you are fully up to date with the final season of Game of Thrones.
Daenerys – The bride
When the hen party chat is first set up, Dany is carefree, considerate and level-headed. She’s happy for the bridesmaids to choose their own dresses, she’s “not bothered either way” if people can’t make her wedding dress fittings, and she says she doesn’t mind what she does for her hen do, so long as all her BFFs are there.
In short, she’s the ultimate bridechilla. But then, days before the wedding, the stress gets to her and she goes full Dracarys on everyone’s asses.
“HOW COULD YOU CUT YOUR HAIR BEFORE MY WEDDING, KAREN? FUCKING HELL!!! YOU ARE SO SELFISH! MY PHOTOS! MY PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS PHOTOS!”
Sucks to be you, Karen.
Sam – The incredibly eager one
Sam doesn’t know anyone else in the group, but that hasn’t stopped him peppering the group chat with emojis and saccharine sweet sentiments. “Can’t wait to meet you all,” he says over and over again. And, long after the hen do has been and gone, he will still be flooding your phone with a seemingly endless stream of almost-identical photographs.
It is Sam, after all. He likes to keep a record of things.
Yara Greyjoy – The one who really, really wants to have the hen party in her hometown
“Why don’t we go to the Iron Islands,” says Yara Greyjoy, over and over again. Despite the fact that, y’know, the Iron Islands are fucking miles away from anyone else. Despite the fact that nobody else lives there. Despite the fact that you’ve all politely told her, a hundred times over, that the hen party is happening in Winterfell and that’s final.
She’ll never stop, though. She will literally never stop. And then she probably won’t show up to the Winterfell ‘do anyway, because “it’s too far away and it will cost too much money – sorry!”
We see you, Yara. We see you.
Edmure Tully – The lurker
Edmure LITERALLY never speaks in the Whatsapp chat: he just silently watches the drama unfold, reads all the messages and waits for someone else to make all the decisions. You’ll probably hear nothing from him until the hen do itself, in fact, when he has the balls to stand up and propose a toast. You know, as if he actually contributed something, anything to the proceedings.
Sit the fuck down, Edmure.
Podrick – The stripper
We jest, obviously. That would be objectification, and we so aren’t here for that.
Brienne – The maid of honour
She’s organising this hen party with military precision: think spreadsheets, lists, schedules, time sheets, and INTENSE round-robin emails. She needs your response pretty much ASAP, and she’s unwilling to take any bullshit excuses from anyone. And that includes…
Tormund – The loose cannon
Ah, Tormund. This guy is absolutely desperate for a “lit” week away in Magaluf or Vegas, despite the fact that Brienne has already planned a lovely hen weekend in the Cotswolds. “We need to go out and get absolutely smashed,” he argues, waving his drinking horn in the air and sloshing red wine all over the creamy carpets of the nice Airbnb house you’re paying through the nose for. “Come on, stop being so fucking boring!”
Expect this guy to lose his phone, spill foundation all down his bridesmaid dress, and cause pandemonium wherever he goes. If it weren’t for the fact this bearded giant wasn’t such a fan favourite (he’s a lot of fun, admit it), then he’d have been quietly killed off a long time ago. Sorry not sorry.
Jon Snow – The one who just went through an earth-shattering breakup
Poor, poor Jon. He’s doing his best to stay cheery and optimistic, but all of that wedding talk is getting at him a little. Look at his face. Sure, it’s smiling, but those eyes… those eyes are so very, very sad. Someone needs to give this guy a hug and remind him that he should never feel as if he’s failed at life. Heteronormative narratives are NOT the be-all and end-all, Jon. And if you think that they are, then…
Well, then you know nothing, mate.
Sansa Stark – The realist
Sansa is here to tell the bride that the online wedding dress store she’s been browsing – you know, the one with cheap designer gowns and no listed address – is almost definitely fake. That any bridesmaid above an E cup will find it basically impossible to wear a strapless, backless dress. That there just isn’t enough food to share between two dragons and the most enormous army Westeros has ever seen. That the North wants its independence, Dany, and don’t you forget it.
She’s also the one who sends cold little bullets of information WITHOUT a string of kisses and emojis, killing most group convos stone-cold dead.
Don’t take it personally. To the Queen of the North, a sharp business-like approach is her way of being nice. Deal. With. It.
Grey Worm – The awkward colleague
Grey Worm doesn’t know anyone, and he doesn’t know why he’s been invited to this hen party, and he’s maybe a tiny bit resentful of the fact that he’s giving up his weekend for a colleague. But if you manage to break through that steely exterior, you’ll find a heart of gold beating underneath all that armour.
Fingers crossed his best hen party friend – the one he’s been clinging on to for the whole of this social anxiety-inducing nightmare – doesn’t leave early, though. He’s likely to lose his shit if so…
Varys – The master of unnecessary questions
“Who’s coming? Will I be able to wear a bra? How many toilet rolls are we bringing? Is that enough? Really? Shall i bring another pack, just to be safe? But what happens if I get my period? Will there be somewhere to plug in my iPhone? Will it be cold? Are you wearing heels? How tall are YOU though? HOW MUCH MONEY?! Is so-and-so going? Can we get takeaway? But what KIND of takeaway?”
And so on and so forth, until the end of time. Or, you know, until Drogon burns him alive.
Jorah – The overly agreeable one
We don’t want to say he’s a suck up, per se, but… hmm, maybe we do. Jorah is our bride’s “yes man”, no matter how many times she changes the plan, or how many people she’s made cry, or how goddamn unreasonable she’s being. Thankfully, though, his agreeable nature seems to have a distinctly calming effect on our bridechilla. Until, that is, he drops out mid-way through the night after taking on five tequila shots… and losing.
Cersei – The other bride
Say hello to the current reigning Queen of the Seven Kingdoms – aka the friend who got married first. Expect lots of phrases like, “well, at MY wedding…”, “speaking from experience…”, “well, I wouldn’t personally,” and “I’d have ordered more wine, but it’s your call I guess”.
Top tip: run interference between her and the bride, before things spiral out of control in an unforgettably fiery way.
Gendry – The DIY queen
If he isn’t up crafting flower crowns until 2am the night before the ‘do, he’s writing a quiz, organising hen party games, curating Spotify playlists, and making sure you have all the right cables to plug your iPhone into the speakers. In short, he’s very, very handy and will quickly prove himself to be the group’s low-key MVP… so, yeah, expect him to get promoted at some point during the night.
From lowly guest to honorary bridesmaid/Lord of Storm’s End in the time it takes to organise a game of Mr & Mrs? All hail Gendry.
Davos – The mother hen
Whether he’s doling out aspirin, imploring you to drink some water, reminding you all to pack phone chargers, or feeding you all big bowlfuls of homemade soup, Davos is here to make sure everyone makes it through the hen party in one piece. And that’s no small thing, when you consider the fact that Tormund has been doing his best to get a Ring of Fire session on track since well before breakfast.
Tyrion – The oldest friend
For some reason, Tyrion believes that his status as the bride’s “oldest friend” makes him special somehow. Untouchable. Infallible, even. And so he keeps dishing out advice where it isn’t wanted, and acting like his is the most important opinion, and dropping in little anecdotes about his relationship with Dany whenever and wherever he can. He also has a nasty habit of derailing events to suit his own motives: if Tyrion wants to do a PowerPoint presentation, it’s happening. If he wants everyone to contribute an extra £50 to cover the bride’s expenses, best dig out your wallets. And if he wants “Bran the Broken” to be King of Westeros, then there is literally nothing you can do about this. Bafflingly, he will even somehow make everyone else think this is a good idea. And for that we’re sorry.
All we can advise is that you smile beatifically and let him make all the speeches he desires. It’ll all be over before you know it.
Gilly – The pregnant friend
Gilly is pregnant. You may not have noticed in all the excitement (there’s been a LOT going on, after all), but she is. How does this affect you? Well, she wants to know if she can pay less towards the communal food and drinks budget “because I won’t be drinking and it isn’t really fair”.
She’s right, obviously. She’s more than right. But it’ll be hard to remember that when your easy post-dinner plan of “split the bill nine ways” becomes “everyone working out exactly what they had to eat and drink, plus tip on top”. Especially as it’s pretty much guaranteed someone in the group (looking at you, Bronn) will “forget” to include the tip in their calculations.
Jaime – The unexpected plus one
One of the hen party guests asked if she could bring her boyfriend along on the night, and you all laughed, thinking she was joking. But, as it turns out, she wasn’t joking. Jaime has no reason to be partying up in Winterfell with the rest of these guys, but Tyrion invited him, so here he is. Lurking awkwardly, and drinking wine, and trying to make small talk with everyone else (who hates him on sight, btw, because it is SO NOT COOL that he’s here).
Expect him to make a big fuss about coming, to have some sort of annoying dietary requirement that requires a last-minute venue change, and to go on a serious charm offensive in a bid to endear himself to the other guests (think round after round of drinks and the occasional knighting). Then, after all that unnecessary drama, he leaves the party early anyway. Why? Because he forgot he had plans down in King’s Land, apparently.
What a bellend.
Missandei – The bride’s sister
She’s cool, she’s fun, she’s savvy, and she’s related to the bride. This means that she’s one of the few people who can give it to Dany straight, sure, but it also means you should never, ever mess with her. Ever. (edited)
Lyanna – The one who’s too young to be here
The bride’s teenage niece/cousin was only supposed to attend the daytime part of the hen party, but she’s somehow managed to fly under the radar and slip into the nightclub unnoticed in among all the L plates and lurid pink hen party sashes. Weirdly, though, she somehow manages to hold her own better than most of the adults in the group. And, if things get intense later, she’s the one who’s going to rally the troops with a stirring speech and keep them all on track.
Just pray she doesn’t get in a fight with anyone, yeah?
The Night King – The unexpected ex
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, this unwanted blast from the past has decided to walk right into your unsuspecting bride’s hen party. Did it suddenly just get cold in here? Brr.
Arya – The fiercely defensive one
That aforementioned ex? They’re in for a world of pain when Arya spots them, because she’s not about to let ANYONE mess up hr BFF’s night. You won’t even see it happen: one moment she’ll be next to you, the next moment she’ll be frogmarching the Night King off the dancefloor and giving them a stern talking to.
Or, you know, she’ll jump out of the sky and shatter them into pieces with her trust dragonglass dagger. Either or.
Image: HBO/Alessia Armenise/Unsplash