Intentional or not, though, is there ever a case for financial infidelity? With the cost of living crisis disproportionately impacting women in terms of job security, lower salaries and care commitments at home, is keeping money back to protect yourself in a relationship always a bad idea for women? Of course, this question doesn’t include those in an abusive relationship, where keeping money hidden might be crucial for survival and escape.

“Female financial independence is more important now than ever before. The cost of living crisis is hitting women harder than men and we know all too well about the gender pay and wealth gaps,” Ellie Austin-Williams, founder at This Girl Talks Money, tells us. “It can be easy for women to feel that they don’t know enough about money or feel confident when making financial decisions. Recent stats show that women are less financially confident than men, so they can find themselves reverting to their partner when it comes to managing money.

“When it comes to money in a relationship, transparency and honesty are essential in all aspects of your life together – including finances. Money is one of the main causes of relationship breakdown in the UK, and it’s rarely down to the numbers themselves but rather the lack of communication around the issue,” Ellie continues. “Maintaining financial independence as a female is extremely important; however, the secrecy around financial infidelity can be irreparable, even if it’s done with the best of intentions.”

Though she acknowledges that finding the balance between maintaining your financial independence and nurturing a healthy relationship isn’t always easy, she is keen to stress that it is possible. “Some people advocate for a secret ‘fuck off fund’. This can just mean keeping an account in your own name rather than a fully secret account. Having your own bank accounts for spending, saving and investing can help to maintain your independence and control over your money, without hiding finances from your partner and risking financial infidelity.”

If you don’t feel comfortable starting a conversation with your partner about finances and how you can manage them together, it might be time to take a harder look at your relationship, according to the financial educator. Meanwhile, Ruth would encourage people to take a ‘deep dive’ into what is triggering them to overspend or hide money in the first place – and then look at where that trigger stems from to begin the work of overcoming it. We couldn’t agree more.

If you are struggling with any of the issues raised in this article and want to support, visit Relate.org.uk for relationship guidance and counselling or the Citizens Advice Bureau for advice on debt management and help with managing the cost of living.

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