Just because someone might die doesn’t mean you’re ready to reconcile

I cower at how callous it feels to express that thought, but I refuse to shame myself for honestly acknowledging my feelings. I wonder if anyone else has felt ashamed of those feelings too during this period? I know I’ve tried to make myself ready to reconcile in the past because it felt like the socially acceptable thing to do. And because I thought it would make me more palatable for the friends, colleagues, and families who might unwittingly inherit the baggage that comes along with a person who is estranged from a parent.

I’ve spent a good few hours in the therapist’s chair in my time, and I’ve come to realise these attempts to force myself into reconciliation perhaps push me further back. Each time I’ve tried I haven’t felt strong enough. I’ve accepted now that trying to prove you are capable of reconciling isn’t the same as actually being ready for it. Previous attempts have shown me I’ve been too afraid to accurately express the hurt and pain that sits behind the estrangement; too afraid to really lose my shit without inhibition for fear of proving I’m the “bad person” he thought I was.

The people-pleaser in me still goes along politely when I’m in his presence and that’s just not going to cut it for me anymore.

I’ve realised me reconciling with my father in this pandemic would be exactly that: people-pleasing.

Standing by my choice is not akin to me saying I wish him (or don’t care if he faces) harm. It’s about acknowledging what I want and need to protect myself from harm too – that context hasn’t changed and that is okay.

How responsible can you be for your choice if you feel you had little agency in that choice?

Of course, in calling it a decision to be estranged acknowledges that it is a choice, that is unavoidable. But I have to remind myself of the perspectives to explore this. I have to ask myself what type of person would make this choice if they didn’t feel that it was essential to their wellbeing, their happiness, and their own self-worth?

Walking down the aisle with my mother was without a doubt the best moment of my life; but what type of person would choose to make such a public and exposing statement about the state of their failed relationship with their father at a time when you want people to believe you can “do relationships well” - unless they felt that choice didn’t exist? I wanted to walk down the aisle hand in hand with someone who has loved, accepted, and most importantly liked me for as long as I’ve been on this planet. She was the only – and perfect – choice.

Just because the circumstances of the world might have changed, and the threat faced upon our potential to reconcile in future (if at all) looms over us – for me, it doesn’t render my choice any freer, or my options any more open.

What it’s like being estranged from a parent during a pandemic