Strap yourselves in for some eye-wateringly funny life advice from Caitlin Moran.
Caitlin Moran is like the big sister we always wanted. Through her countless essays, critically acclaimed books and on-fire Twitter timeline, she’s a beacon of relatable advice to not only girls and young women, but pretty much all of us.
With hilarious anecdotes on everything from menstruation and body hair to sex and boobs, she is a brilliant wealth of wisdom that we really can’t hear enough from.
We got the chance to ask Moran about some of the stand-out advice she would give her younger self and she did not disappoint. With stories from her adolescence she takes us on a journey down memory lane, from her first masturbation experience to recreating Elizabeth Taylor’s iconic Cleopatra make-up look with a felt tip.
“Do not have your first crush on the comedy actor Chevy Chase, in 30 years time it turns out he’s a bad man and you will feel really bad that you lost your wank-ginity to him. Just have your first wank over Alan Aldd from M*A*S*H* instead.”
“Hair-wise, don’t think you can give yourself a big bouffy Victorian updo by taking a terry toweling nappy, sellotaping it to your head, pulling your hair over it and walking down the streets of Wolverhampton. Because when a strong wind blows, it will reveal the terry toweling nappy on your head and you will be bullied even more than you were last week.”
“I know you want black eyeliner like Elizabeth Taylor, and I know you don’t have black eyeliner like Elizabeth Taylor. Don’t take the black felt tip from your box and draw it onto your eyelid, you will have a massive allergic reaction to it which will make your eyelids scaly like a snake, and you will look like a snake instead of Elizabeth Taylor, and that will be bad.”
“Food-wise you need to learn a little bit about calorific values of foods because I know your current understanding is the more boring and normal the food is, the less calories it has. This is why you think a whole baked potatoe with cheese is only one calorie. Do a bit of research. That’s why your bum is getting big.”
“Here’s the thing about money that you don’t know at the age of 16: tax isn’t optional. I know that you believe that at a certain point the government will contact you and tell you how much tax they want but it doesn’t work like that. You have to work out how much tax you owe them and give it to them.
“Otherwise, after five years of not paying tax they’re going to come and knock on your door and take your dog away. I know from experience.”
“I know everyone will say this to you but do keep a diary. The years that I kept a diary, those are the most precious books I have and basically like being able to time travel. If you keep a diary all the way back through your life, you’ll be talking to yourself in the future and you’ll also be able to go back and see what you were like in the past. It’s like being the Doctor in Doctor Who.”
Watch the full video above for even more Moran magic.