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Coach Sue's killer quotes

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When it comes to acerbic one-liners, coach Sue Sylvester - aka Glee's mean-minded head of the Cheerios - pretty much has a monopoly. Her unrelenting, unapologic and shockingly un-PC utterances have earned her the (somewhat dubious) accolade of being one of TV's biggest bitches, who can deliver a put-down quicker than you can say "jazz hands." Below, to celebrate the release of season 2 on DVD, we've selected some of the very best and most hilarious quotes that have ever come to pass Coach Sue's acid-laced lips.

Click an image below to launch the gallery. Or you can read our recent interview with Glee actress Jane Lynch here.

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “This is what we call a total disaster ladies – I’m going to have to ask you to smell your armpits.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “So you like show tunes. That doesn’t mean you’re gay. It just means you’re awful.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “As Madonna once said, 'I'm tough, I'm ambitious and if that makes me a bitch, that's what I am.' Pretty sure she stole that line from Sue Sylvester. No, really. I said it first.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “Well I may buy a small diaper for your chin, because it looks like a baby’s ass.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “I am going to create an environment that is so toxic, no one will want to be a part of that club. Like the time I sold my house to a nice young couple, and I salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing living could grow there for a hundred years. You know why I did that? Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they're going in another direction. That was hard.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “Every year when the photos for the Thunderclap come around I always elect to have a little work done. This year I got myself a bit of an eye lift. And while they were in there, I told them to go ahead and yank out those tear ducts. Wasn't using 'em.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “I’ve never wanted kids... don't have the time, don't have the uterus"

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “Look at me – even in the heat of battle, I’m so elegant.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “I hear people say, 'That's not how I define marriage'. Well, to them I say, 'Love knows no bounds.' Why can't people marry dogs? I'm certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets. I, for one, think intimacy is no place in marriage. Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “Face it, you wanna be me. So here’s the deal – you deal with your depressing group of kids what I did with my wealthy, elderly mother. Euthanize it.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “Sometimes people ask me, "Sue, how come you're so sensitive to minorities?" Well, I'll tell you why. Because I know firsthand how hard it is to struggle as a minority in America today. I'm 1/16th Comanche Indian. In fact, I like minorities so much, I'm thinking of moving to California to become one.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “That was the most offensive thing I have seen in twenty years of teaching – and that includes an elementary production of HAIR.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “You know what – I checked out of this conversation about a minute back, so … good luck with your troubles and I’m going to make it a habit not to stop, and talk to students, because this was a colossal waste of my time.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “I can’t trust a man with curly hair. I can’t help picturing small birds, laying sulphurous eggs in there and I find it disgusting.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “First of all – a female football coach, like a male nurse, is a sin against nature. Number 2 – I’m sure you’re used hill-billy parent yelping adulation at you, as they attempt to impregnate the tail-pipes of various off-road vehicles, but you’re in my house now Biste. No one comes into my house and steals from me.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “Children must know fear. Without it, they’d try frenching grizzly bears or consider living in Florida.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “I’m going to go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. Then on some dark, cold night, I will steal away into your home and then punch you in the face.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “You’re about to board the Sue Sylvester Express. Destination? HORROR.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “For me, trophies are like herpes. You can try to get rid of them, but they just keep coming. You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    [Leans in for a kiss with Will Schuster] “You know what? I’m not going to do this. Even your breath stinks of mediocrity. It’s making me sick.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    [Coach Biste] “Anyone sitting here?”

    [Coach Sue] “Yes, these seats are currently being occupied by my ghost friends.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “I’m gonna sue the pants off you Will. I’m gonna take your house, your car, your extensive collection of vests. I mean seriously – you were more vests than the cast of Blossom.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “You irritate me William. You make the undersides of my breasts burn, like when I used to rub them with poison.”

  • Coach Sue's killer quotes

    “You took away my cheerios. Consider this the opening salvo of World War Sue.”

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