How the Oscars REALLY are: J-Law's friend pens brilliantly honest account

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So we know all about the red carpet photos, the glitz and the glamour - but what we really what to know is what happens behind the scenes at the Oscars.

This is usually pretty hard to gauge, a.) because the main stars who could tell all are likely to keep a diplomatic silence on what goes on when the cameras stop rolling and b.) most reporters who would tell all just don't have the access.

It's a rare stroke of luck, then, when we chance across someone like Laura Simpson, Jennifer Lawrence's best friend who attended the Oscars with her last weekend.

Simpson, a model, is in the unique position of being a non-celebrity with an inside scoop on the Academy Awards, and happily for us, has just written a lengthy and hilariously honest account of her big night in a post on MySpace titled, "I went to the Oscars and Nobody Cared."

Laura Simpson with Jennifer Lawrence on Oscars night

Simpson met 23-year-old Lawrence at an event seven years ago and in her own words, "we hit it off over a mutual respect for Chandler Bing, and we've been eating pizza together ever since."

Oscar nominee Lawrence, who was up for a best supporting actress gong for American Hustle, took Simpson along as her date (as well as her boyfriend Nicholas Hoult). Here are a few edited highlights from her account of what really went down at the Oscars - starring a pre-ceremony meltdown, that fall and a fragrant Brad Pitt:

1. Pre-Oscars meltdown

"I was lucky enough to be invited to the Oscars. While every girl I knew squealed and asked what I was wearing I was riddled with anxiety.

"The fact that I was going to the show was no longer an idea but becoming a reality and like a 13-year-old girl at her birthday party, I had a complete meltdown. Somehow the night before the Oscars I managed to get into an argument with my best friend, my mom and my boyfriend. I think I cried more in the 12 hours before the Oscars than I have in 10 years - I was really getting into the drama of the evening."

2. THAT fall

"We finally arrive at the red carpet and as we exit the car, my date eats shit and uses my freshly done Lauren Conrad up do to break her fall. The crowd goes wild.

"There are flashbulbs and people circling yet no one asks if I need any help because unless you are famous at the Oscars, you are completely invisible. I have never experienced anything like it."

3. The not-so-polite photographers

"The only time anyone talks to you is if you are in the way of his or her photo. The photographers on the carpet yell "YOU IN THE HUGE DRESS, GET OUT OF THE FUCKING SHOT." It's incredible. It is no wonder actors are crazy. The carpet is filled with screaming fans and photographers who only care about you; everyone is salivating to talk to you and telling you how great you look."

4. The lack of food

"It's around this time that you realize you are STARVING and haven't had any food since breakfast at 9am. It's hot and you feel like you're going to pass out. After waiting for my date's category, her dad and I decide to hit the bar and just watch from the monitor behind the bar and slam a few drinks to make this tolerable.

"The Academy really needs to spring for more hors d'oeuvres options because now everyone is hammered. My date comes out after her category and we decide to watch the rest of the show in the green room where there is pizza."

5. Brad Pitt smelling good

"After the show we go backstage where I meet Brad and Angelina. Brad Pitt smells amazing, like nothing I've ever smelled. Eventually we ask what cologne he's wearing and he tells us, "I don't wear cologne, it's just my musk I guess." I have to choose not to believe him because it would just be unfair to mankind."

6. Channing Tatum being a gent

"Some guy picks up my purse that had fallen off my seat and I say "Thank you… Channing Tatum."

7. The amazing women

"I think what I took most away from the evening was how lovely all the women were. Actresses tend to get a bad reputation but every woman I met was lovely, witty and introduced themselves to me even though I wasn't famous — even Anne Hathaway. And Kerry Washington, if your marriage doesn't work out… CALL ME."

8. People mobbing J-Law at the Vanity Fair party

"The show ends and we're ready to party. Everyone goes to Vanity Fair where, much like the Oscars, photographers yell at you and no one gives a shit that you are a human being unless you're famous.

"We can't enjoy ourselves because everyone, whether they know my date or not, has some weird story they just NEED to tell her as they stand in front of me pushing me out of the circle."

9. Sexy Bill Murray

"I decide to follow Bill Murray around the party... At one point he looks in my direction and winks at me while dancing to If You Want My Body and You Think I'm Sexy by Rod Stewart—a moment, I now realize, my whole life had been leading up to.

10. Harvey Weinstein being Harvey Weinstein

"MOST HOLLYWOOD: Harvey Weinstein at the bar shaking my hand and saying, 'you know who I am.'"

Photos: Rex Features

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