Gender Split

Not only are women culturally expected to cry more than men – who are taught to tighten the cap on the waterworks from childhood – women are biologically predisposed to cry more, too. A study by the German Society of Ophthalmology found that women shed tears more frequently and for longer periods than their male counterparts (statistics suggest that women cry an average of 47 times a year, and men just seven). Physiology plays a part, too. Not only do we have 60% higher levels of the prolactin hormone, which encourages tear production, women’s tear ducts are also smaller than men’s. So while both sexes may well up at the sight of a starving baby elephant on a David Attenborough show, men are physically less likely to show it, as the tears don’t overfill their ducts.

It seems unnatural therefore not to give over to our emotions in the workplace – especially given that we spend the majority of our time there, racking up, on average, 7.2 hours overtime a week (with four million of us working more than 48 hours). Surely the lines between personal and professional are becoming increasingly blurred in terms of timeframe and behaviour?

According to Vingerhoets, we do 80% of our crying in intimate settings, and most often between the hours of 7pm and 10pm, when we should be at home with loved ones but increasingly might be working late or socialising with colleagues. Plus, when we do cry in public, it really means something as we are also biologically programmed to be embarrassed by crying. “Crying is taking a risk,” says Vingerhoets. “If you go back to prehistoric times it was a risk for a newborn to cry, because it also attracts the attention of other predators.” We are almost hardwired to be reluctant to cry in the company of strangers.

It is, of course, about office culture too. We are striving to adhere to societal norms that were established by the white, middle-class men who predominantly founded the businesses we work in. There are currently no official HR guidelines to advise managers on how to cope with those crying in the workplace, and Kinman says women can feel like ‘gender traitors’ if they do. “Women who are seen as emotional can feel they are letting down other women who are working hard to appear rational,” she says. The idea is perpetuated by experts who label crying in the office as unprofessional. “Men and women should avoid crying in the workplace if possible,” says career coach Diana Norris (careerbalance.co.uk). “What you want from your colleagues is respect and admiration not tea and sympathy. If you have a difficult situation in your private life, then work can actually be a relief; a place you can go to and give your mind a break from what is troubling you elsewhere.”

Let it out

Despite this, some of us can’t help having a little weep occasionally. Which can be a good thing, as it can be detrimental for us to maintain too strict a control over our emotions. Not only can repressed emotions cause escalating stress levels and weaken our immune system, tears can act as a sort of safety valve, used by the body to release excess stress hormones in our tears such as cortisol (chronic levels of which can effect our physical and mental health).

Dr Sandi Mann, senior lecturer in psychology at the University of Central Lancashire, describes bottling up our emotions in the workplace as “emotional labour”. “The effort it takes to fake or hide emotions can be compared to physical labour; it causes huge mental stress – it can make you lose your sense of identity, as if your employer ‘owns’ your emotions.”

When we do get upset, we are giving ourselves a harder time than we deserve as well. Occupational psychologists have found that women who have cried at work judged themselves far more harshly than they judged others who became outwardly upset in the office. Plus, there is also no research to back up the idea that crying has a detrimental impact on your career. To the contrary, recent US research found that 41% of women and 9% of men in all levels of management had cried at work during the previous year, and they all said it made no difference to their success. Which is where highly emotive responses can be a valuable tool for becoming better at work. Research psychologist Dr Peggy Drexler says, “Crying can be a valuable way to address something that’s bubbling under the surface and could pop up later in a more damaging way.

Is it ever OK to cry at work?