The most important thing to note about the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee is that we don’t get any diamonds out of it. As the recipient of silver jam spoons on the occasions of the weddings of both Charles and Diana and Andrew and Fergie (delivered, in my young mind’s eye, personally to our borough’s primary schools by a periwigged flunkey) I had high hopes.

But it was not to be. And so there is nothing to temper my conclusion that we should make this monarchical jubilee celebration the last one.

By all means mark the Queen’s 60 years as head of state and mark it well. Break out every state carriage, polish every guardsman, fluff every plume and fire off every cannon. She deserves it. The Queen rocks. Over half a century of ceaseless devotion to this septic isle, enduring deferential small talk, incomprehensible welcoming ceremonies and Royal Variety performances with a stoicism that should have us all prostrating ourselves in awe at her impeccably shod feet. She should get a medal for her services to court shoes alone. I simply couldn’t do the kind of standing around she does (at 85) in any kind of heel. Though she would, of course, have to award it to herself, which might be slightly vulgar.

Her job, however, is insane. She represents our interests at home and abroad because she is the latest head of a clan that, up until very recently, believed it was divinely appointed to rule. I suspect secretly the idea persists. They don’t say it out loud any longer, but I reckon a certain smug satisfaction suffuses every family gathering. Charles is a firm believer in homeopathy, after all. It’s not much of a leap from that to believing that you could still heal the scrofulous if given half a chance.

Not that you can blame them. It’s 2012 and we do still treat them as demi-gods to be worshipped. It simply shouldn’t be possible in this day and age for a population to go into meltdown over “an ordinary girl” – albeit one with hair so exceedingly lovely that it almost makes her worthy of the title – becoming a princess. (I know, I know, she’s only a duchess so far. But we shouldn’t be living in a world where we need to begin picking up on these distinctions anywhere outside a Ladybird book.)

Lucy Mangan on the Queen's Diamond Jubilee