“Now look here. Metaphorically I mean, not literally, because I’m going to talk about vaginas and although I am fond of you collectively, I usually like to be introduced to an individual by name before things get that far.

The vajacial has landed. Cunning linguists among you will have deduced the meaning, but for the rest… well, vajazzle refers to the practice of sequin-and-Swarovski-crystalling your nethers via a neat combination of ‘vagina’, ‘dazzle’ and ‘jazz’ (as in ‘jazzing up’ – nothing to do with training your lady parts to perform Chuck Mangione’s Feels So Good, though somewhere there must be a talented woman with a subscription-only website doing exactly that).

A vajacial is a facial for the same area, designed to soothe and beautify it – via papaya enzyme masks, cleansers and extraction of ingrown hairs with a pair of tweezers. I’m trying to visualise the amount of papaya pulp and labial lotion I would require if you’d been at my hoo-ha with a pair of tweezers, but there are limits to the imagination.

It’s no coincidence that the advent of this procedure has occurred alongside a rise in the popularity of waxing and shaving delicate areas and an increase in intimate skin infections (including a pox virus – words you never want to hear, especially spoken by a gynaecologist as they peel off their gloves gesturing towards the treatment room – called molluscum contagiosum). I think this marks a definite tipping point, and we might do well to take a moment to consider WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

First, let us note that processes which are so painful and damaging to an area only ever meant to be treated nicely they require special repair procedures, are now considered normal. And second, let us ask where the impetus for these heavy-duty procedures came from. I blame porn. Easily, infinitely-accessible internet porn, where only bald ladybits are on show. Why are they hairless? So the action therein can be clearly seen. That’s where the hair-free look comes from and why it developed. Of course some women genuinely prefer to get rid of everything down there, and some have always chosen to do so. That’s not a problem. The problem is that doing anything else has now become almost unthinkable in some circles as generations grow up ignorant of the fact it was not always thus.

"Why are we so mean to our vaginas?"