Feel with rather than deal with

This means really understanding what your child means, regardless of what they say. Think about the monsters under the bed: if you say there’s no monsters, the conversation ends with them frustrated and still scared. “Instead, ask about them, find their names,” advises Perry. “You might learn something about what’s going on with your child. Mine always found monsters when I was being impatient and wanted her to hurry up. It’s not always easy to articulate our feelings, even as parents, but children have their ways of telling us.”

Confide don’t hide

This is about telling our child how we feel so they understand why we do things. That means defining our boundaries relating to ourselves, not the child. Don’t say, ‘you’re tired, why don’t you go to bed?’ Say ‘I’m tired and so you need to sleep, because I need to put you to bed before I go to bed’. Tell them you’re leaving the park because you’re cold and bored. “It’s surprising how well they take that,” encourages Perry. “Tell the truth. Go for authenticity. Being real about your own feelings means your child will be open with theirs too.”

Be their friend

Ok, this doesn’t rhyme, but it was important to say. No one wants to confide in someone who, when you show them who you are, tell you not to be silly. Neither do our children. “We want our children to be happy all the time so we have a difficulty really hearing them when they’re not. We want to be in denial about our kids being unhappy. But in order to develop happiness we have to allow our children to have all of their emotions. Even the inconvenient ones. Even the ones you don’t feel in that situation.”

Perry also advises not “giving them two things to cry about”. For example, if they say they are sad that you’re going, don’t make them sadder by telling them it doesn’t matter. “Be with them in their grief,” she says.

Image: Bronan McNeil

Parenting is hard, but these four expert tips will help