What is the meaning of life?
Helpless giggling in the face of something truly terrible.
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What is the difference between right and wrong?
Whether or not you do it with panache, eg bumbags or a tiny hat.
Where is your happy place?
Literally any shop. I can spend hours in an Esso garage just looking at magazines and sweets. If I go to a museum it will solely be to visit the gift shop: the art is just something to suffer through before getting stuck into some punishingly expensive pencils.
Nature or nurture?
Is it more important to be liked or respected?
I have the kind of pathological need to be liked that makes being respected impossible.
Who or what is your greatest love?
Leonardo DiCaprio through a fish tank, 1996.
If you could be remembered for one thing what would it be?
Being sensational in bed.
When did you last lie?
I try not to if I can help it, lying is only really good for sparing someone’s feelings or zhoosh-ing up a boring anecdote.
Does the supernatural exist?
I really hope so.
Are you fatalistic?
No. We sort of need to believe we can effect change: monsters are running the world, everything is melting. We can’t fob it all off on fate sadly.
What is your greatest fear?
Puppets. I can’t even look at one. Pure evil.
Animals or babies?
What talent do you yearn for?
To look completely devastating in a white T-shirt and jeans.
Do you like to be complimented?
So much. It’s bordering on a sickness.
Do you have a high pain threshold?
Not at all. I think people who claim they do are just showing off.
What book do you recommend most to others?
The Diary Of A Nobody by George and Weedon Grossmith [a comic novel about a clerk in London who is not a “somebody”].
Which lesson has been the hardest to learn?
What food sums up happiness?
A packet of Discos in the back of the car.
What have you never understood?
Sweet and savoury together. Particularly raisins in a salad. Diabolical.
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What is the one thing you want to know before you die?
That it is my 100th birthday, yet I don’t look a day over 17 in the iconic Chanel hotpants that they lovingly named after me.
Are you scared of dying or what happens when you die?
Quinoa or Quavers?
Quavers. Come on.
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