With Miranda Hart showcasing her talents in an Issue 100 special for Stylist this week and stars such as Kristen Wiig and Tina Fey storming the comedy scene on the other side of the pond, there’s never been a better time for female comedians to shine. In fact, to paraphrase British stand-up Josie Long, “there are s***loads of funny women.” Below, we’ve selected just a few of our favourite witty women of the moment - along with their very best wisecracks. Read on for jokes from the most hilarious female stand-ups on the block…
(P.S. It’s by far a conclusive guide, so please do let us know your thoughts on anyone we’ve missed out in the comments section below or on Twitter)
Picture credit: Rex Features
"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds."
"I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people."
"I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian."
"I want to go on the record and say I have never urinated in public. But the night is still young."
"Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes."
"I looked up the symptoms of pregnancy ... moody, irritable, big bosoms ... I've obviously been pregnant for thirty-six years."
"For exiled Iranian writers, the closest thing we have to a literary award is a fatwah"
"The quickest way to a woman's heart is through her clit."
"Playing poker online is like being mugged without the company."
"I have not had sex in almost two years. And I think once you hit two years, you get your virginity back… I’m going to just have to trick somebody into doing it. I’m going to have to cover with leaves and hope somebody falls in."
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is."
(On Angelina Jolie) "She's got the lips that look like an inflamed anus. Alright, I know that's sexy to a lot of guys. But have you ever had a haemorrhoid? 'Cause that's what it looks like."
"I don't look like Halle Berry. But chances are, she's going to end up looking like me."
(on Edinburgh festival) "You arrive at the station, full of anticipation and confidence, and then you get the s**t kicked out of you for a month. And that's if it's a good year. It's brilliant."
"I think it should be the goal of every Arab man to marry one of the Bush twins"
"Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?"
"Colleagues is a businessy way of saying 'not friends.'"
"The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs -- which I can't afford."
"I am not, I repeat, not a lesbian - even though I'd like to be one when I grow up."
"I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."
"I'm so sick of these men who just talk about themselves. I'm looking for a well-hung mime."
Unlikely things for a weather forecaster to say:
"What are you looking at me for? Look out the f***ing window!"
"My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."
(on the process of filming Bridesmaids) "I guess when they (the actors) had to puke on each others hair I felt a little bit bad. But they actually liked it. It was fun! We made them really vomit."
"People ask me why does your mother walk five steps behind your father, and I said well, he looks better from behind."
(On breast implants) "They leak, you know, once you get them in there. Sometimes they leak the fluid out which is lovely. And then you can't fly in the Concorde because they explode. So, forget going to the moon or Paris -- course, they're both the same, so you know...."
"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.'"
(Walking through a graveyard) "Oh it was mortifying. Wish the ground could have swallowed me up."
"I think I’m 25 months pregnant. [I'm due in] two more months … in dog years, so that’s 25. Honestly, because it’s my third, I feel like I’ve been pregnant for like six years, seriously."
"I like Facebook. I have some issues with it though... I think it's skirting around some issues; it just needs to get to the point sometimes - y'know, like poking. I think instead of poking people we should just be able to f**k them. That's what we're really doing isn't it."
"Let's at least have a useful Barbie – let's have vibrator Barbie."
"This is my anxiety song: If I keep the kitchen floor clean, no one will die/as long as I clench my fists at odd intervals, then the darkness within me won't force me to do anything inappropriately violent or sexual at dinner parties/as long as I keep humming the tune, I won't 'turn gay."
"I always say I owe Lamda (London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art) so much. It's about 10 grand."
"I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth."
"I sent my daughter to a private school. That's 73 grand's worth of education, and now she wants to be an actor? So I've asked her to do porn and give me the money back."