Five Minute Philosopher is a weekly series in which Stylist gets profound with people we love. But what will the RuPaul’s Drag Race: All Stars winner make of our 22 existential questions?
What is the meaning of life?
It’s that moment when you put on a brand new pair of Capezio XXL Transition tights in Light Suntan and you know you’ll get on TV.
What is the difference between right and wrong?
Right is the opposite of left. Wrong is a drag queen in overhead fluorescent lighting.
Where is your happy place?
I love sitting in a Delta Airlines premium cabin and watching rich people act crazy. I once saw an emotional support bird.
Nature or nurture? I was born a respectable elderly man who manages a Circuit City electronics store. But then I saw Spice World: The Movie and now I’m a gay.
Is it more important to be liked or respected?
R. E. S. P. E. C. T. E. D.
If you could be remembered for one thing what would it be?
I want to be remembered for having small pores and a smaller waist.
Who or what is your greatest love?
My greatest love is [the early Noughties American singer-songwriter] Michelle Branch. I grew up listening to her songs and she is my Beyoncé. Beyoncé, if you’re reading this – I’m sorry.
When did you last lie?
I tell my chatty Uber drivers that I work in HR because no one knows what it is and no one asks.
Does the supernatural exist?
No. Believing in something no one has proof of is called religion and let’s not get crazy!
Are you fatalistic?
I think we all have control of our fates. I grew up poor white trash and now look at me. Rich white trash.
What is your greatest fear?
What if my Postmates [an American food and drink delivery service] gets delivered to my neighbour and they just TAKE IT AND EAT IT.
Animals or babies?
Bitch. ANIMALS. Babies are rubbish.
What talent do you yearn for?
Drag seems fun but difficult. I guess I’ll stick to webcam modelling.
Do you like to be complimented?
YES. People aren’t allowed to like themselves nowadays so it’s important to like each other. Side note: I am gorgeous.
Do you have a high pain threshold?
Definitely not. Fully a baby.
What book do you recommend most to others?
My all-time fave author is Augusten Burroughs. Anything by him is so funny but I really love This Is How: Surviving What You Think You Can’t.
Which lesson has been the hardest to learn?
It took me four tries to get my driver’s licence.
What food sums up happiness?
Key lime pie! It’s green, it’s creamy, it’s crunchy. It makes me feel like an old woman on a park bench.
What have you never understood?
If it’s not your boarding group, why are you standing next to the gate? Frequent travellers call you ‘gate lice’.
What is the one thing you want to know before you die?
I wonder if Kathleen Zellner, Steven Avery’s post-conviction lawyer from Making A Murderer, would have friendship chemistry with me.
Are you scared of dying or what happens when you die?
Definitely scared of dying. But I just hope to live long enough to die totally fine with it.
Quinoa or Quavers?
Bitch. QUAVERS. But I ate too many on my first trip to the UK so I think I’m done now.
Trixie is touring the UK until 9 March.
“I need someone larger than life to give the best philosophical advice and deliver the goods for this page. So who better than Trixie Mattel?”
Images: Austin Young, Getty