In Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case For Good Apologies, co-authors Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy share their secret for making an apology in six clear steps.

Open by saying ‘sorry’, not that you ‘regret’ the situation
Be specific about what you are apologising for
Make it clear that you understand why your actions were wrong
Take ownership of it and do not make excuses
Explain why it won’t happen again in practical terms and the actions you’re taking to make sure that history doesn’t repeat itself
If the circumstances require it, you should also offer reparations.

Ingall explains that it’s important to avoid focusing on your regrets, as it detracts from prioritising the other person’s emotions.

There isn’t a blanket response to every misdeed and each apology has to be adjusted to account for the gravity of the situation. For instance, Dr Trent says: “Simply just using the word ‘sorry’ might suffice if you’ve accidentally bumped into someone in the supermarket, but for something a little more intentioned or involved, it might be that a little bit more effort and energy is required.”

After a major argument, if you’re unsure how to initiate this difficult conversation, the simplest and easiest place to start is to say sorry. Take the time to collect your emotions and gather the right words, before trying to resolve this issue.

“It’s OK if you find apologies tricky; they’re kind of meant to be,” Dr Trent says. “So often shame is involved in needing to make an apology and that’s a very powerful emotion indeed.

“If you find yourself genuinely lost for words, it’s OK to admit that you’re not really sure what to say but that you’d like to resolve this and make amends.”

This skill also relies on transparent communication, so try to make the other person aware that you want to fix this situation, but need to take a breather to figure out how to move forward.

How to make a sincere apology (and accept one)