The psychology behind backsliding

Dr Spelman says backsliding in relationships can be influenced by various psychological factors, including attachment, nostalgia, emotional connection, fear of rejection and validation.

“A fear of being alone or missing out on a familiar connection can drive individuals back into the arms of an ex-partner. Dating and starting new relationships involves the risk of rejection or failure, so backsliding may occur as a defence mechanism to avoid potential rejection or the challenges of finding a new partner,” she explains.

Dr Spelman continues: “Some people may seek validation and a sense of self-worth from their romantic relationships, causing them to backslide when they believe that the ex-partner will validate their desirability or worthiness of love.”

But these factors vary from person to person, as everyone’s motivations are different.

Risks involved in backsliding

It’s important to think about some of the risks and challenges involved in rekindling a past relationship before you rush back in.

“Returning to an ex-partner without addressing the underlying issues that led to the breakup can result in falling back into the same unhealthy patterns and dynamics. Without growth and change, the relationship may continue to experience the same challenges that led to the initial breakup,” Dr Spelman says.

She also notes that backsliding can create false hope for a better outcome or a rekindled romance, potentially even igniting unresolved feelings and conflict. But if the underlying issues that caused the breakup remain unaddressed, it can lead to disappointment and further emotional pain.

“Returning to an ex-partner may impede personal growth and limit opportunities for new experiences and connections. It can create a sense of complacency, preventing individuals from exploring new relationships that may be better suited for their personal growth.”

Why do people get back together with their exes and are we in the era of backsliding?