The differences between frontstage and backstage friendships

Frontstage friendships

This type of behaviour is typically shaped by cultural norms and values. It’s intentional and purposeful behaviour and can be something of a ‘performance’, where you follow a societal script for what you should talk about or do together. In these friendships, we tend to “present the parts of ourselves we believe will be most accepted”, explains BACP counsellor Rebecca Vivash. “This might look like competence, a polished façade, generosity or kindness. We safeguard ourselves against potential rejection by presenting these ‘easier-to-like’ qualities.”

Frontstage friendships could be catching up with your work friend over what you did at the weekend, chatting to a school friend about your new job or grabbing a drink with a group of friends and talking to a mutual connection in that friendship circle. These are friendships where the conversations are pretty surface-level and may even feel like first-date-style conversations. For example, if you were having a problem at work or wanted to express your feelings about your love life, it’s unlikely you would confide in a frontstage friend.

Because of this performative element, these friendships can be less authentic than backstage ones. But they’re still beneficial to us.

“These relationships can be valuable as they push you to maintain a higher standard (like being your ‘best self’), challenge you and can help to build confidence,” explains BACP counsellor Ragini Jha. Be warned, though, that these relationships can lack genuine connection and mutual understanding, and the façade can take an emotional toll. This type of friendship can make it difficult to build real trust and intimacy in our friendships. “The pressure to perform can also feel overwhelming and tiresome, potentially leading to anxiety and loneliness as we believe that we are only acceptable when we show our best side,” adds Vivash.

Jha says that if a friendship feels as though it’s a frontstage connection, it may be worth asking why someone needs to present a better version of themselves to that particular friend. But there is still value to a frontstage friendship. “These connections may challenge you or give you a sense of belonging in a specific environment, but this cannot be compared to the significance of a friendship where you are fully yourself,” adds Jha.

Backstage friendships

If frontstage relationships follow a script and performance, backstage behaviour is the opposite. These friendships are free of the norms and expectations that tend to shape frontstage connections. You’re more comfortable and at ease around someone and you’re able to be your genuine self and let your guard down.

“In these types of friendships, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, showing the messy, imperfect and less curated parts of who we are. These friendships feel safe because they don’t require a performance; they allow us to just be,” says Vivash. “The lack of need for pretence can also feel liberating, especially for those of us who are typically high-achievers or have a tendency toward people-pleasing.”

In these types of relationships, people may feel like they can express their real and unfiltered thoughts and emotions. This includes letting backstage friends into the parts of yourself that you may think are less desirable or are typically seen as negative traits (my moodiness and stubbornness, for example). Backstage friendships can be similar to how you act around your family (if you have a close relationship) where unfiltered behaviour isn’t scrutinised or questioned like it would if you were to act in the same way around a mutual friend or a work colleague.

But there are potential downsides to a backstage friendship. “This type of friendship could risk judgment, as the stakes are higher when we open ourselves up to potential rejection,” explains Vivash. Dr Charlotte Fox Weber, psychotherapist and author of What We Want, adds: “These friendships are comforting and grounding, but sometimes lack the spark or pride that comes with a little effort or intention.”

Frontstage and backstage friendships can evolve or change

Neither type of friendship is inherently better than the other. It’s helpful to understand the role these relationships play in our lives and recognise when we might be leaning too heavily on one type. “For example, if all our relationships are frontstage, we might feel lonely or disconnected. Conversely, if all are backstage, we might struggle with boundaries or feel overexposed,” says Vivash. Having a mix of both types of friendships can help us adapt and maintain relationships that align with our varying needs. As Dr Fox Weber says: “Both types of friendship hold value: one reminds us of who we aspire to be, while the other reminds us of who we are when no one’s watching. Together, they create a balanced picture of our social selves.”

And it doesn’t have to be binary. If you notice that you have a lot more frontstage friends than backstage ones, then that can change. A frontstage friendship isn’t a fixed entity and can evolve over time and become a backstage connection. “As trust grows between two people, they might feel more comfortable showing each other vulnerability, leading to a much deeper friendship,” explains Vivash.

Below, Jha outlines a few steps you can take to evolve some of your frontstage friendships into backstage ones:

Pay attention to a person’s response when you do show more authentic sides of yourself –“Do they seem uncomfortable and try to change the subject? Or do they lean in with empathy and maybe share their own similar experiences? Their reaction will tell you if this is someone who can handle a deeper friendship.”

Ask yourself when was the last time you felt like you had to ‘perform’ with someone and interrogate the why – “Sometimes we project our internal fears onto others who haven’t actually given us reason to feel that way. You might be performing because of your own expectations rather than anything they’ve done. At other times, we ignore real red flags because we want the friendship to work. When was the last time you felt you had to ‘perform’? What exactly triggered that feeling? Was it something they said or did, or was it your own internal narrative?”

Practise letting them see you as yourself – “When you’re stressed about work, having a bad hair day or your house isn’t perfectly clean, try telling a frontstage friend this. Their response to these moments can tell you a lot about whether they are someone who is accepting of you without the script or performance.”

Are you a backstage or frontstage friend? The differences between the two friendship styles and why they’re both important