Evidently there is an eroticism interconnected with a surrender and even chasing of ambivalence, chaos and precarity – of loss itself. There is also something compelling about indulging in the behaviour of the femme fatale, for instance – to be the siren, the death wish, the doomed romantic, the fallen woman. It’s an act of rebellion. There is something tempting and satisfying about giving in to these things and therefore surrendering to chaos, in another person and oneself.

We can still understand this behaviour as a form of “fight or flight”, a perpetuation of unresolved trauma through cycles of pain and relief, which can be addictive and compulsive. Trauma is not unusual; in fact, trauma is usually a part of life. We are primed to live with and react to it, and such a life may inevitably involve suffering. This fact perhaps helps to explain why people are set up to lean into their own suffering to some degree, in some effort to reconcile with it and learn to live with it.

It seems clear, now as then, that we do not always want what is good for us or other people. We indulge in our dark sides, our shadows, because they offer us some feeling of connection, of truth even, about ourselves and our experiences, and our capacities to relate to others in whatever way feels right. They allow us to repeat what we don’t understand, what we have loved and lost, what we need but can’t have, what has hurt us, confused us and trapped us. We make peace with our own ends before death itself has come. We meet it halfway. We tease it with self-destructive behaviours, with submission on our own terms, and therein lies both the beauty and madness of being alive and wanting.

This extract was edited for length and clarity.

The Fear by Christiana Spens, £12.99, available from 14 March 2023

A masochistic education: why are we so attracted to people who are bad for us?