This dilemma, Sherman explains, can be summed up as “truth or care”. As he puts it, we often struggle with “when to speak our minds in the name of honesty and when to bite our tongues in the name of care”. And the longer the relationship lasts, the harder it can be to successfully straddle both kindness and honesty. Hard truths can become more and more cutting, while being kind can feel more and more like you’re biting your tongue.

Things can also get worse when you develop unhealthy patterns in the honesty-kindness balancing act. For instance, if you try to be kind by holding in how you honestly feel, you may fall into a pattern of constantly ignoring problems in your relationship in order to be kind to your partner.

This difficult “truth or care” paradox is ingrained in every romantic relationship. So, how can we find a middle ground where we are both kind and honest?

According to Sherman, it has to begin with redefining kindness altogether. In other words, kindness isn’t about hiding how you feel, but it’s about learning how to say what you really feel with as much tact and understanding as possible. Once you understand that kindness can sometimes be cruel, the next step is to understand that your partner is facing the same dilemma, too. They will also be faced with situations where in order to be honest, they’ll need to hurt your feelings.

Are you being too kind in your relationship? Here’s why it might be doing more harm than good