Jealousy and a lack of trust

Does one or both parties feel uneasy or suspicious when the other is socialising? Are you often tempted to check each other’s phones for evidence of infidelity? Or do you experience worries about the security or stability of your relationship? Trust – or the lack thereof – may be triggering your disagreements.

“Jealousy or trust issues are often symptoms of unresolved attachment wounds or insecurities,” says Vernet. “It is common that individuals with histories of abandonment or neglect – and this can be emotional, not just physical – may interpret neutral interactions as threats, projecting their past betrayals onto the present.” This hypervigilance, she says, stems from anxiety about not feeling ‘enough’ in the face of your partner’s autonomy. “For example, a partner compulsively checking the other’s phone or accusing them of infidelity may paradoxically push partners away, creating that self-fulfilling prophecy of secrecy and distance,” Vernet says. “Research has linked jealousy to low self-esteem and fear of annihilation, where the loss of the relationship is equated with the loss of self.”

How to resolve the issue for good

Full disclosure: there’s no quick fix for building trust in a relationship. It takes a lot of time, as you probably already know, and complete commitment from both parties. Vernet advises everyone on this journey, as a first step, to create transparency agreements, balancing autonomy and reassurance. “For example, a script such as ‘I feel uneasy when you text your ex. Can we agree on boundaries that respect both our comfort levels?’ invites collaborative discussion and problem-solving,” she says.

In the moment, Vernet recommends engaging in specific exercises to diffuse tension and create a calmer, safer space to discuss your concerns. “Techniques such as paced breathing and muscle relaxation can help the anxious partner to balance the emotional flooding, while the accused partner should try and say non-defensive validation such as, ‘I see you’re uncomfortable; how can I help you feel more secure?’

“Regarding trust, it is rebuilt through consistent actions,” Vernet says. “Regular trust-building rituals, such as cooking a meal together or planning a day out, can help partners reinforce their relationship. It is when jealousy escalates into control or when past betrayals remain unprocessed that seeking counselling can help.”

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