Understanding your own – and your partner’s – attachment style

Knowledge is power and all that jazz. Simply understanding where you and your partner’s behaviours are coming from can make a big difference. “There are plenty of books, podcasts and online resources that will help you understand attachment style, including sites where you can fill out questionnaires like the Adult Attachment Questionnaire (AAQ),” Kasket says.

Have some tech-free time

Boundaries are key. Try to mark out some time with your partner where screens aren’t allowed – no checking messages or scrolling TikTok while you’re talking. That might be every day when you have a meal together, for an hour before bed or throughout your entire weekly date night. It’s up to you, but make sure there’s some quality time that’s just between you and your partner – no tech involved.

Make a conscious effort to tweak unhelpful behaviours

“Once you understand your attachment style and have identified the tech behaviours related to it, you can work on changing any behaviours that are clearly unhelpful,” Kasket says. “While you may never be able to fully change your automatic felt reactions, you can learn to convert them into responses that are healthier and more workable for your relationship.”

So maybe you recognise that when emotions simmer up and threaten to boil over, you tend to reach for your phone. Perhaps instead you do some meditation or try talking things out with your partner, or even just go outside for a bit. If your problem is being rubbish at replying, consider why that is and get to the root so you can become better.

“Technology often gets mixed up in our attempts to manage our relationships. Once you stop using it to avoid conflict, to distract yourself, to control your partner or to assuage your insecurities, you’ll be pushed towards the option of dealing with concerns and difficulties more directly,” Kasket adds. “You’ll be more likely to learn, grow and connect. You’ll become better able to tolerate the messy and difficult bits of being in a relationship.

“Technoference is an ever-present danger in modern relationships, whatever your attachment style, but you have more power than you think to overcome it.”

Your tech habits and your attachment style might combine to spell bad news for your relationship